Taipei Karaoke 101

E@L slipped the hotel keycard into the little slot by the door and ker-blinka-blink, on came the lights and the air-conditioner to replace the stuffy Taipei air in his room. It was warm here for this time of year, and he was puffed and sweaty from wearing a suit-coat around all day (Sunday).

E@L had had to give a 30 minute talk during a lunch-time symposium. The price of entry for a free lunch-box for each Doctor was having to listen to E@L waffle on about the benefits of turning Japanese, as far as their next Orgasmatronic machine purchases are considered.

He was tired and exhausted in post-lecture adrenaline-rush blues.

Interestingly, unusually, he had been feeling a bit nervous about an hour before the presentation, not because he did not know the subject inside fucking out, but because... Hell, he didn't know WHY he was nervous. Fluttery in the tummy, appetite gone and thirst rising. Bladder impatient and bowels threatening. But there was nothing new or different in a situation that he hadn't experienced and sailed through a-coupla-dozen/fifty times before. No idea why he felt this way...

It was just two hundred doctors and professors who:

1) are only here for the free feed.
2) can't understand him because of his Australian accent plus he speaks too fast.
3) don't speak English anyway.
4) can't see the slides properly because the curtains are not blocking enough ambient light from a bright Taipei sky (see picture).
5) don't care about 2), 3) or 4) because of 1).


The butterflies disappeared in a few minutes and he had no trouble in the half-hour leading up to the talk or during its course. Except for another weird sensation during the presentation; with the microphone hanging in front of him he had this terrible urge to grab it, swing away into a heart-throb, crooner type pose and break into song...

"And I don't know much
But I know Iiii-hiii luurve yoooo-oouu..."

Ah of course, this is where that funny nervous feeling was coming from! It gurgled up and around and he felt sick again. It wasn't pre-speech nerves at all, no no no! It was a post-piss-up hangover, a reduced sleep high-gaseous intake gut-ache. A grumbling beer fart in fact, lost in translating itself around his colon. He squeezed his pubococcygeus tightly and held his breathe for a second until the urge to pass wind passed...

Yep, to continue his karaoke theme, E@L and colleagues had hit a Japanese bar last evening in Taipei. Knocking back some Ballantines scotch and a bottle of South African red wine and quite a few beers while bursting out in decidedly dubious but increasingly enthusiastic vocalizations till 1am -- on a lecture night! Shame, E@L, shame.

E@L must now have sampled the full gamut of possible karaoke experiences in his brief (8yr) expat life. From out-and-out sexual debauch, to semi-cheeky on your lap squeezy-squeezy, to personal singing groups with friends and no girlies in genuine karaoke pubs, to mild-mannered and polite geisha-like conversation with Platonic but very cute female companionship and REAL singing (last night). Many of these experiences where within Taiwan, too.


"That's a nice tie."

E@L stopped in his tracks in the small entrance foyer to his room. Who said that? A soft voice almost inaudible, but E@L just managed to catch it over the hum of the A-C kicking in.

"Have you lost some weight?"

There it was again! A soft pixie like voice, hard to pin down the direction. Was he suffering from auditory hallucinations? He cautiously poked his head into the bathroom to check behind the door, behind the shower curtain. Nope, no-one in there.

"I think I like you with slightly longer hair, that's a good look."

Who SAID that? The voice wasn't coming from the bathroom, but maybe there was someone crouched in the closet dispensing nice comments as a lark. Back into the foyer, slide open the louvre-door quickly, catch Kyle McLaughlin at it, Blue Velvet style! Nope, no-one in there either.

"You should get more shirts like that one, it really makes you look younger."

What is going on here? Who is saying these pleasant things? Has the world become a locus of strange occurrences and mysterious evanescent emanations of personal reinforcement?

Ah! Here is the culprit! E@L should have guessed where these positive comments were coming from, boosting his self-confidence while accidentally destroying his sanity...

It was those Complimentary bottles of mineral water...



E@L had a few drinks in Taipei tonight with Knobular sex-minded blogger, younger than you think, Knobby (who'd never had a Black Russian!). He promised to attend the next blogger piss-up when he gets back to Singapore, provided he can score a girl-friend there. One track mind, these recently pubescent fellows. BYO, I told him, plus one for me!



Posted by: expat@large on Oct 23, 06 | 1:14 am | Profile


I knew it! Knobby is a boy!
Eh, how do i log out n change my name here, E@L?

Posted by: TruthSeeker Mama on Oct 23, 06 | 2:59 am

OK found it.

Posted by: TruthSeeker Mama on Oct 23, 06 | 3:06 am

I knew it! Knobby is a boy!

Heh. And I wonder how old you think that is.

E@L: shush

Posted by: knobby on Oct 23, 06 | 5:05 am

BTW, here's a clue since someone else asked me as well -- I'm about as old as E@L's son. Now does that help or hinder? No more hints!

Posted by: knobby on Oct 23, 06 | 5:13 am

I've forgotten all details about Knobster - those talking bottles of water threw my mind into confusion...

Posted by: expat@large on Oct 23, 06 | 8:42 am

Rats! Scoring a girl is my reason to attend the next blogger piss up (which I hope happens when I am Singapore next month.....).

Posted by: Skippy-san on Oct 23, 06 | 8:25 pm

Knobby, bring TWO extra girls!

I am out of town until the 21st.

Posted by: expat@large on Oct 23, 06 | 8:30 pm

Expat: We're meeting up before I leave Singapore I hope?

I recall the first (and only) time Expat introduced a male blogger to me. Not that anything happened then. *grin*

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Oct 23, 06 | 9:09 pm

I've thought about it all day (damn you, Expat.. lol) and I still don't get the talking bottle thing. I always thought I could function pretty well on two hours of sleep. Enlightenment, please.

And extra girls? Wrong number, mate. We'll have to find you the Singaporean equivalent of my Taiwanese friend. Heh.

Posted by: knobby on Oct 23, 06 | 9:55 pm

S*** I just got it! Aaaargh that's a bad joke but aaaargh-er, I'm dense.

Posted by: knobby on Oct 23, 06 | 9:59 pm

exVPS: not then, no. It had to wait for a chaperoneless Werewolf night... aawhooooH!

Knob: sigh. Pearls before swine, I say PEARLS B 4 swine! My talent (for bad jokes) is SOOooo wasted on you guys...

Posted by: expat@large on Oct 23, 06 | 10:15 pm

Don't tar the world with the same brush. It's probably just me! Or perhaps I'm the only one willing to admit that I didn't understand the joke?

Posted by: knobby on Oct 23, 06 | 10:28 pm

I was considering an extra part to the punch-line, explaining the joke, but I figured, hey, discerning E@L readers would only be offended at such a crass under-assumption of their intelligence... Obviously, in at least one case, I was wrong...

Just email me privately in future, save yourself the public beatup, dude. I have a series of simple explanations already prepared with pdf files at hand for all my puns, jokes and allusions.

Posted by: expat@large on Oct 23, 06 | 10:44 pm

Expat: But there was a chaperone. Well, sort of. For the earlier part of the night.LOL.

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Oct 23, 06 | 11:05 pm

save yourself the public beatup

Oh, I don't mind. My self esteem is at just that critical level where professing ignorance comes across as endearing. Neither too pompous nor too needy. Now to find myself a Goldilocks...

Posted by: knobby on Oct 24, 06 | 2:09 am


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