Burning Candles At Both Ends For Fun And Profit

E@L was sitting in Holland Village burning his tongue on a scalding moussaka from the Turkish restaurant there, and noticed a large picture up the building opposite. Above Haagen Das ice-cream is one of those "Mind, Body, R-Soul" centres for people who, while oversupplied with money, are totally bereft of intelligence and therefore who need ostentatious pampering and continual reinforcement of their membership in the Vacuous Classes.

image Ear-candling is the subject of the picture. A good looking woman with a long candle in her ear. Burning. Like my palate was from the scalding cheese, aubergine and ground wild kid (I presume it was done properly).

Ear candling. You might scoff. You might think its a pretty fucking stupid idea and that anyone who fell for it should have her membership of MENSA revoked, right?


Not only is it a total con like some many most 100% of New Age Therapies (read Age Old Therapies), it is also a particularly dangerous one.

E@L is not slow on the uptake however. There is money being effectively redistributed here.

Not in the tradition of Christianity, from the rich to the poor.

Not in the tradition of Marx, from the capitalist class to the working class.

No. This is purely in the tradition of P.T. Barnum, from the stupid to the cunning. A sucker born every minute (a different sucker he means, not the same one being born over and over again... Just wanted to straighten you out on that...).

The neuronal gears of E@L, having been on the click for a few days now, thought of creating some other farcical New Age therapy with which he could redistribute some of that generally freely flowing cash in his specific direction. There must be some way to combine some other existing bullshit therapies with the ear-candling, thus creating a lucrative niche without having to go through the tedious (read "expensive") marketing process of establishing a totally original concept and getting public awareness and street credibility going.

Much better to ride on the wave of some else's hard work and with a cool design, some rock-star endorsements and minimal actual research or development reap all the trendoid yuppy high disposable plastic-to-the-max market. Sort of like iPod has done.

E@L quickly ran through some other New Age rip-offs that could be modified to suit this spiritually uplifting scheme, this idealistic concept, this caring/sharing plan, this touchstone to the heart of an ailing society, this sure-"fire" way of making trunkloads of cash.

Thinks: remember the joke about the old guy who was given suppositories for his constipation and told to place them "in his back passage." "I placed them in me back passage, just outside the laundry door, but they didn't work! For the good they done I might as well have stuck 'em up me arse!"

Gear click.

Thinks: Remember the benefits of high-colonic irrigation? Placing a tube up your arse and running liquid green soap or other various fluid and even semi-solid substance (exungulated gerbils?) up the quoit has achieved a high degree of respectability these days. It has moved on from the seedy atmospheres of BDSM and most other Japanese websites that use lots of plastic sheeting as decoration, as well as out of the geriatric ward of your local rehabilitation hospital. The flow of rectal fluids is mainstream, you might say. So much so than New Age Therapy Centres with particulalry high throughput have a sign on the front door advising customers to drop trou and waddle in backwards, exhaling slowly.

Gear click.

OK, here is E@L's most fundamentally (ho ho) excellent idea.



Simple. You shove a candle up some ignorant rich bimbo's butt and set it on fire, viz the attached picture. You can't see it from this angle, but the girl has the same contended, low-stress - vacuous, post-lobotomy - smile as the girl in the ear-waxing photo, above.

It's half colonic irrigation and half ear-candling. Brilliant!

A good spinner could talk till the cows come home about the synergy of the related concepts. The spiritual aura of paraffin up the pooper. The intense sense of calm relief when it is over and nothing caught fire. The drawing forth of the rectal chi, the smoking out of unhealthy vapours (hopefully none of them flammable), the profitability of the $29.95 per month secret web-cam Internet site of the spectacle...

And you could combine ear-candling and arse candling therapies - particulalry useful for those stressed workaholics who have been burning their candles at both ends. Both ends, geddit? C'mon you guys that was funny, yuk it up a bit already!

I wonder if anyone has thought of this before? There is nothing new under the sun, as the bard said, but with this idea we are talking about somewhere the sun don't shine, as the song almost says. E@L might have a chance at originality for once.

Fame. Fortune. Cute rich-girls' butts. What more could a guy want?


E@L Googles "butt candles" looking for suitable illustration to adorn his website and finds instead...

Damn. Do'h. Drat. Cory Doctorow mentioned a similar concept on BoingBoing in 2001. I hate it when that happens. The site he found was Butt Candle (TM), a semi-humorous, semi half-hearted attempt at pathetic humour.

Hey, I was serious about this!

Another one of E@L's great ideas down the toilet. He'll just have to keep working, burning those candles at both ends again.


(p.s. E@L would like to thank XX for posing so patiently for the arse-candle picture.)


Posted by: expat@large on May 15, 06 | 11:47 am | Profile


sorry dude, u are too late. i orso say this same tecnique done up in Bangkok! LOL
el chicano

Posted by: david martinez on May 17, 06 | 9:42 am

oh boy hahah~

then again imma burn a candle up your ass if you make me sign in everytime i want to leave comment on ur blog! x-(

Posted by: candyfeehily on May 17, 06 | 2:13 pm

On stage in BKK? Or in the mirror?

Candy - remember one password orredy!

Posted by: expat@large on May 17, 06 | 6:22 pm


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