Currently Malfunctional at E@L GHQ

What else can go wrong? I'm not normally (aaa-aachoobullshit) one to whinge but:

Here is a list of things that are CURRENTLY broken, don't work, or only work sometimes in my apartment.

DVD drives
Two of them in my desktop computer and neither of them will accept
a) NORMAL (i.e. store-bought) music CDs sometimes.
b) NORMAL movie DVDs sometimes
c) pirate movies DVDs often
Message reads: Drive is Empty. Please insert Disc.

DVD player (Philips) stand-alone 1,
Purchased 1999, it won't accept:
a) NORMAL movie DVDs sometimes
b) pirate movies DVDs often
c) skips and stutters on both normal AND pirate DVDs, sometimes randomly, often just in the last 5-10 minutes of a movie.

DVD player (Philips) stand-alone 2
Which supposedly accepts MP3 CDs, purchased 2003, it won't accept:
d) all the above only worse, plus of course MP3 CDs, so it went back in the box and I have used the old one ever since.

Linksys Wi-Fi
Just fucking won't.
Fuck it with wireless networking, it is beyond logic. Proof that there is a Devil and that He runs the world.

Kitchen Clock.
I replaced the batteries and it never ticked again. At least it tells the right time twice a day.

Plasma TV (Philips).
See archived post. Totally fucked after about 30mins of watching something. I finally got onto them. Someone is coming on Monday afternoon.


StarHub Cable TV Hub.
Suddenly over the last 2 days it just turns itself OFF. Sometimes it won't start. Sometimes it will start but will turn itself OFF when I change a channel. What the fuck? Even if the Plasma TV was working, I wouldn't be able watch any TV, and of course none of the pirate DVD work either. I rang Starhub: someone is coming Saturday morning. (Bonus: I can finally get around to watching The Complete Val Lewton Collection - last night it was "I Walked With A Zombie." Fantastic movie. I want to be a movie buff when I grow up. Oh, and the pirate DVD of the 1st season of "Scrubs" just started up suddenly 20 mins after I put it into my computer DVD drive. I watched the first two absolutely hilarious episodes [am not a doctor but I worked in a hospital for 20+ years, so I REALLY relate] and now it has locked up again. While it is struggling to restart, it is playing havoc with the CPU and my cursor keeps falling behind my typing as I write this sentence... Screen refresh is taking about, ooh, 3 minutes...)

Light Globes
20% of all ceiling lights.

Tried to turn it on to check it was a cable malfunction behind Starhub Cable TV box (as the 20% of globes are not working, particularly at that end of the lounge room). No light. The batteries had degraded inside and spewed acidic powdery battery vomit throughout the connecters AND seized themselves into the expensive steel tube. Toss out.

Screwdriver philips head (no relation to Philips Electronic who made all the other broken crap)
I thought maybe it was a power cable malfunction on the Starhub Cable TV box, so I tried changing it. I had no compatbile cord with a three-pin Singapore style connector, so I had do the cut and splice thing and attach a new one. This is where the full extent of my electronical macho DIY testosterone reaches its tether. I tried to undo the screw that was holding the front and back of the power cable plug to put in the wires, but it wasn't coming undone. My cheap philips head screwdriver was stripping the slots in the screw's head. I had to go and get a knife from the kitchen drawer. There I found that my part-time maid has been fraudulently over-charging me. She has been spending her time (and MY money) putting all the spoons and forks into this cutesy nestled together position! I am paying her $10 an hour for THIS? I need a piss.


Toilet Bowl
It is chipped at the top and a large crack is running into the bowl. Which time next when I sit for a big one is it going to fall apart? I rang the landlord, got the OK, rang the toilet guy, he came to check it out today, taking away the seat for color-matching. He promised he'd come back Monday if he can get the same shade of ceramic, somewhere between camel and peach. I have to take a dump in the spare toilet, not my en-suite. What ignominiousness is next? And the light is better in here. God I look afwul, look at those nose hairs!

Nose Hair Plucker Trimmer
Holy fuck! All it ever does is rip great shreds off my mucous membranes. I'll have to use the scissors, which is a bastard because I am left handed and scissors only work in your right hand...

Sigh. Snurff. It is surprisingly uncomfortable to blog with blood-soaked cottonballs stuffed up your nostrils.

Well, at least I wasn't attacked by a Hong Kong bus as was Mia.



Posted by: expat@large on Apr 07, 06 | 5:16 pm | Profile


Hey, E@Ls titanic apartment

communication system dead
lights nearly dead
bilge pump broken
crew is overboard
captain wounded
but ship sinks in style the galley is still first class!

Posted by: drymonsoon on Apr 07, 06 | 10:28 pm

Oh, thats your price being an expat.
If you were in the UK, or Northern Europe, your gear would be fixed up at no cost to you. But as it is-while you get a bloody good deal w/some boat people-theres no guarantee, no money back, no vat, no return...

Posted by: north on Apr 08, 06 | 8:05 am

Your complaint about Starhump Cable TV reminds me of how great Phnom Penh's cable TV is compared to Singapore's. In PP cable TV only costs 10 bucks for all the channels, and if you're renting an apartment, cable TV is generally provided free of charge. (And then there's the pirated movie channel which screens pirated DVDs 24/7.)

Posted by: chlim01 on Apr 08, 06 | 2:59 pm

BTW you're a guy, and guys are allowed to have hair growing out of their unmentionable areas. So you don't really have to torture your poor nostrils.

Posted by: chlim01 on Apr 08, 06 | 3:04 pm

Pirate movie channel 24/7, outrageous! What does it show? Pirates of the Carribean? Pirates of The Andamans?

Starhub came and took the old cable box away and left a new one this morning. However the TV is still farkucked, so...

& Did you think I had failed to address IN DEPTH the crucial issue of nasal hair previously in this blog? Foolish man, Alvin! If you want to have sex with young women, you do have trim your nasal hairs - it is an example of female reproductive selectivity, like peacocks feathers, only in reverse, length-wise.

Posted by: expat@large on Apr 08, 06 | 3:52 pm

This week I watched the Matrix trilogy, Syriana, The Constant Gardener, and Brokeback Mountain on the pirated DVD channel.

BTW long nasal hair can attract women as it provides extra tickles during cunnilingus.

Posted by: chlim01 on Apr 08, 06 | 4:24 pm

!!!!! not a bad selection. What is the quality like?

& stop it, you're grossing me out...

Posted by: expat@large on Apr 08, 06 | 5:47 pm

The quality generally isn't bad, just like a regular DVD.

However a few shows were obviously recorded directly in the cinema.

Posted by: chlim01 on Apr 09, 06 | 12:34 pm


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