Screwing By The Numbers

E@L caught up with his wild but ailing mate Bruce at the lobby of the Merchant Court Hotel where E@L was escorting some customer home after dinner at Riverside Point. Bruce was all flustered and red-faced, and he seemed quite disconcerted.

Bruce had just put his girl into a taxi-cab.

"Let me buy you a beer in the lounge," offered E@L . "You look like you need a drink."

"Thanks mate. I'll take you up on that."

They settled into the lounge-bar, ordered small Hoegaardens and sat back as light jazz played over the ambient sound system.

"You look like you've had a shock, mate. Don't tell me your lady friend wasn't. A lady, I mean."

Bruce wiped a hand across a flushed brow that was glistening with a sheen of sweat and smiled. He sneakily palmed the moisture onto the arm of the comfy chair. "Nah, nothing like that. Just disappointing. Waste of money. Feel like never paying for a hooker ever again, giving up on the whole sex industry thing."

[Continue reading by clicking MORE. Warning: explicit sexual descriptions are essential to the point of this blog. If you are easily morally outraged please DON'T read on. However if you want to learn more about men's insecurities human relationships, DO read on. E@L]


"How so? She looked damn good to me. She must have given you a workout, you're all hot and sweaty!"

"Exact opposite, mate. Tell you a secret: this flush is the effects of Viagra. With the retro-virals I'm on, things are getting less likely to happen these days, so I take it sometimes as an emergency back-up. My head is thumping and I'm all hot because small blood vessels have dilated across my scalp. They have a similar response to the arteries in the old fellow when it comes to Vitamin V."

"So you are still pumped up are you? Should I get out of your way?"

Bruce gave small laugh. "Nah, E@L, your virginity is safe around me tonight."

"So what was the problem with your lady-friend. Wrong phase of the moon?"

"Ah, glad you asked. This was a case of something just not clicking between us. I would say it was a case of the 'Desperately Over-Eagers' on her part."

"She was in hurry to get you finished? I hate that."

"I picked the wrong girl," mused Bruce. "I let my eyes do the judging and not my experience. She was just too gorgeous and too mature, maybe 25. Totally jaded. She's used to men coming in their trousers just standing next to her. So she thinks she knows what a man wants, which is to come quickly she thinks, and so she tries to give it to him in the first 5 minutes. Plus she can get out sooner and latch onto another john."

"Oh yeah, I know what you mean. Straight out of the shower before you've got your tie off, with the condom ready to unroll."

The beers arrived just as E@L said the word "condom" and the waitress gave a slight start. She placed drink-coasters on the small table, settled a thick, frosted glass on each and poured first one then another light-coloured frothy beer into each glass.

"There is nothing more off-putting, at least to a man of my delicate sensibilities."

"Delicate sensibilities. That's you to a tee, Bruce," E@L smiles.

"Nah, seriously. If a man wanted to just ejaculate he could save myself a considerable amount of money and just have a wank. You know the old Quentin Crisp quote? "Sexual intercourse is a poor substitute for masturbation." That is very true if sex is not done right. Bad sex can even be damaging. To your psyche, I mean. Cheers."

"Cheers," E@L replied.

"Plus her phone kept going off with messages. Most distracting. But the main turn-off was the fact that her love-making was so routine. I picked it up straight away that she was a screw by the numbers girl, not a good catch at all. She followed a very typical pattern. Lick the right nipple, lean across, lick the left nipple, move down, lick up the right flank, move back across, lick up the left flank, move down: 1, 2, 3; 1, 2, 3. I could almost hear her counting the number of seconds she spent on each move... Do this, do that, and the guy will cum, 90% of the time..."

E@L was thinking, hey I think I've experienced that routine more than few times... Then she'll go lift up the old fellow and tickle the base with her tongue, he thought.

Bruce continued: "Then she went down and licked the bottom part of my dick..." E@L nodded with a grin. "As soon as it looked like something was responding, it was 'You heb condom?' and hey presto, it's sausage stuffing time... Only, she was so near-perfect and so beautiful I was quite willing and able to get going... And this was a genuine horny hard-on I had, even before the Viagra had a chance to kick in. Because at first I was only slightly distracted by her blatant insensitivity, her fuck the torpedoes, full speed-fuck ahead... and so I was happy to commence the act. But almost right away she started in this 'oh yes, oh yes' bullshit, despite me doing absolutely nothing, and her rapidly ascending pretence of excitement, shit, it just started to get on my nerves. It was like some well-prepared Olympic sex-routine - groan at this point, lean back at that point... She wouldn't look at me. She hardly would let me kiss her - her breath stank of smoke anyway. She obviously didn't want me fondle her. And great tits, absolute marvels. Largish for an Asian hooker, soft, but not saggy in the least - and they were real ones too! I really would have like to explore and savour her body, to find her favorites spots, to really pay some attnetion to those breasts, to get to know more about that tattoo on her inner thigh, those scars on her shoulder. But she was pushing me away from the positions where *I* could get intimate with *her*, trying instead to just get me to fuck her. She'd sit on top, or she pull my dick up to her pussy and try to force it in... But despite the Viagra, this indifference was annoying me and I was wilting fast. It just wasn't what I was looking for tonight."

"Sounds like a nightmare."

"She pulled the condom off, and started to just wank me, going back to the nipple-licking thing again. I thought she might be preparing to give me a bare-back blow-job there for a second, which I wouldn't allow with my condition, but she just spit onto her working hand, lay back on her side, resting her head on her other hand, in the classic 'I'm bored' pose... At this point in time I just gave up. Her phone went off again, of course. She asked me if I had drunk too much. I told her to get dressed, that she was a terribly disappointing lover. She looked at me. Probably she just thought I was an impotent old fart. She said she was solly."

"Maybe you're right. Maybe she's used to guys coming just by looking at her. Maybe she hasn't had to touch any emotional base with her customers before, or to let them do things do her."

"Actually she's used having sex to guys who only screw her in order to ejaculate. You know what sort of guys these are? They are guys who are too self-conscious, too afraid to masturbate for fear of being called wankers, even by themselves. Insecure."

"What are you trying to say, Bruce?"

"It's a well known fact, E@L -- habitual masturbators make the best lovers. They save having sex for those times when they want to *give* as well as receive emotional and physical pleasure. When they have sex, when they pay for it, they want to get their money's worth in a much more reciprocal way than just a simple fuck. They want to *make love*," he makes a lot of double air-quotes, "to the woman, even though she's a hooker. What's they are paying for is the pleasure *they* get by giving *her* pleasure. The guy's orgasm is no big deal, he can wank any time for free. It's catch-up time spent with a woman's body he wants. He is paying not to just have sex, but to pretend that he REALLY is a great lover... and let me tell you, that is half the battle won for some women, and if as a hooker she's prepared to accept that. Some do, some don't. This one didn't. You could do with the girl's attention, at the very least."

Bruce knocked back the last of his weissenbier. His face was even more flushed than earlier.

"And with that comment," he said, "I'm off to sleep. But hey, let me put this beer on my room tab, I may as well throw some more money away tonight..." He rose slowly after signing the check and started to head off to the lifts. "Goodnight."

"You could always get a girlfriend, Bruce." E@L called after him. "There are plenty of women who'd appreciate some of that style of loving, I'm sure. They appreciate it even more if the emotion behind it was genuine."

Bruce merely shrugged and turned away. Over his shoulder he said:

"You could get one too, E@L . You could get one too."


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 02, 06 | 1:10 am | Profile


So is Bruce a real guy, or have you got the Tyler Durdin thing happening?

Posted by: Indiana on Mar 02, 06 | 8:07 am

The first rule about Project Bruce is that you don't ask questions about Project Bruce...

Posted by: expat@large on Mar 02, 06 | 9:18 am

Have you actually met Turder Dylin? Is it true that you could actually get a girlfriend? Does this mean that I could get one too??

Gandalf, has written at length on the "Economic Benefits of Masturbation". It is by far the least expensive form of sexual activity and much cheaper that actually having a girlfriend, who may complain when you get drunk and try and fight yourself in the front garden.

Posted by: TheOriginalTrousersnake on Mar 02, 06 | 5:32 pm

Turder Dialin is actually my global roaming internet service...

TS, potential girlfriends? I've been beating them off with a stick for ever... And then beating off over them afterwards.

Problem: what if you get a gf and she turns out to be just as a poor sexual match as Bruce's friend from last night? You can't just give her $10 for a taxi and write it off to experience. Or can you?

I'm a wide-eyed innocent in a big bad world...

Posted by: expat@large on Mar 02, 06 | 6:34 pm

he he he....indeed you can't, in fact sometimes you have to give her your house and half your salary to make her bugger off.

Posted by: TheOriginalTrousersnake on Mar 02, 06 | 7:23 pm

Bruce and I are surprisingly similar. Are you spying on me?

Posted by: knobby on Mar 15, 07 | 6:13 pm


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