This Morning I Feel Like Elvis Looking For His Long Lost Twin

With ultra-hip Clem Snide playing on the HiFi through the correctly turned on Denon amp(!), E@L returns to Singapore to attack his most recent geek-failing, trying to get onto the freaking Internet on his desktop PC...

Having left all you people in a desperate state of confusion earlier this week, knowing that E@L after a harried night of attempting to do some simple home-networking, could not turn on his home PC at all, and when he finally sorted that out, he still could not get on to the Internet. He could manage to log-on only through his ultra-slow work laptop. Which he usually leaves at the work office when in Singers, as it a freaking brick and he doesn't want to carry it around everyday, thank you very much.

So this $2k speed behemoth on his home-office/bedroom was destined to sit idle until he could figure what combination of: --

- network settings, ("This connection has limited or no connectivity. Please contact your network administrator.")
- cable replacements,
- system reboot,
- modem reset,
- C: prompted "ipconfig /renew or release or whatever just connect me to the Internet you green-eyed blinking cunt"

-- would give him a gateway address, a DNS address, a DHCP address.

He could unplug the network cable and plug the laptop into the modem, simply reset it and Voila! On. But it wouldn't work the other way. He'd ipconfig /release to unhinge the dynamic DNS from the laptop, so that the network could apply a NEW (hence "dynamic") DNS address to the next computer that comes along... Videlicet, the desktop. But no, nothing. Reset, reboot, retire, resist getting a fucking sledgehammer, reset again.

For another three hours last night none of this electronics gymnastics and network self-flagellation would allow E@L to rid himself of that "no connectivity" curse.

So, wisely, not wishing to pop an aneurysm, he turned EVERYTHING off and went to bed.

Slept like a baby, if baby's dream consists of a young dimple-cheeked Laura Linney following him up his dream-home's driveway to protest her undying love at his doorstep, as he turns to finally accept the inevitable and pulls her into the (adjacent!) bedroom and into his arms for a crushingly soft kiss...

And oops... oops... cough, cough, choking on the new down pillow... humping the mattress...

***************

So as the equatorial dawn opens the aperture of the humid night, brightening his room with fresh hopes percolating from the inchoate potential of another gloriously sunny day in the fucking tropics and after changing the sheets and disposing of the tissues down the toilet, E@L turns everything on again.

Computer - on. His web-cam stares silently at him. Good Morning, Dave.

Cable modem - on. Green lights blink. Open the fucking pod-bay doors you murderous, devious, morally-perverted AI, Hal.

In a relative flash - this is a fast mother-fucker one - he clicks on his preferred browser, averts his head ("not the face, not the face!") and holds his arms protectively across his eyes...

And his home-page loads.

It's fucking WORKING. Mystery. Will the arcane mysteries of his profound incompetence ever reveal their true depth?

He feels like... He feels like...

He feels like Elvis looking for his long lost twin.

He feels like he needs the tortuous cynicism of Clem Snide again to get him through this treacherous and deceitful life. For "love is only for the lovely" as the world knows and "the beautiful were never meant to suffer..."

E@L - loveless, suffering, calling to blue sky, to the soft morning breeze: "Laura, come back, I will search for you..."

You golden apple of the sun... You long lost twin of Elvis...

A sigh of Regret. That he didn't get the sledgehammer after all.

MORE...


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 18, 06 | 8:53 am | Profile


OTHER MONKEYS SAID



Just realized that Laura Linney has EXACTLY the same dimples as the long lost X.

Read into that what you will.

There's this subtle undercurrent of forlorn desperation through all my blogs, what?

E@L


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 18, 06 | 10:07 am

you ARE Elvis....aren't you?


Posted by: trousersnake on Feb 18, 06 | 1:24 pm

Hang on let's check The Archives: "Elvis was a jerk who didn't take his talent seriously. He's always smirking, cheeky, taking the piss, taking the easy option with shitty exploitation [blogs] and execrable middle of the road [opinions]... Elvis was an inappropriately conceited idiot."

Hmm, thinking you just MIGHT be on the money with that one...


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 18, 06 | 1:43 pm

no darling it was a mere reference to your iconoclasm rather than a direct comparisson with the jumpsuit wearing, peanut butter swilling, heart attacking shit-strainer from Memphis.

English DJ god & schoolgirl perv, John Peel always reconned he could have straightened old Elvis out. He had plans to take him to do the shopping at Sainsburys and do the dishes. Sadly they both died without attempting this noble experiment. But at least John Peel managed not to die taking a shit. I'm sure you will do just as well.

as for the blogsploitation it's nothing to the losers like myself who come back time and time again to relieve themselves in such a profligate manner in you comments box. ah that's better


Posted by: trousersnake on Feb 18, 06 | 2:21 pm

oww sorry just had to come back and do it again...


Posted by: trousersnake on Feb 18, 06 | 6:30 pm

I am assuming that eventually, hopefully soon for the sake of all our sanities, your flow will dry up...


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 18, 06 | 6:58 pm

frightfully sorry but it's only a tiny sample of the utterless senseless crap inside my head. If bandwith starts to become an issue I'll send you some money. Alternatively I could start another blog called inane periferal toss only slightly provoked by taxi drivers and the mind of expat@large.blogspot.com

the clem snide link is good I feel a lot better after listening to that. thanks


Posted by: trousersnake on Feb 18, 06 | 9:48 pm

Clem he DA MAN! Try Joan Jett of Arc on the Radioblog on my sidebar. Classic.

Yeah, Mr Snake! Start another of your own blogs... GREAT IDEA! Is there anything I can do to help you set it up? Letters of recommendation to people in strange foreign climes? Get you in the door sort of thing? There you can be your witty and charming self, amusing and yet driven by a passionate committment for the betterment of the human race, and then, without being a public nuisance, make a lot of nice friends in cyberspace by posting the OCCASSIONAL polite, amusing, & OK adoring yet possibly relevant and somehow non-self-aggrandising comments on the blogs of people with whom you share similar interests (try Xiaxue.com) and then you have them all over to YOUR place for dinner...

with some fava beans and nice Chianti...

(Dang, sometimes I really wish David had left his Mangosauce.com comments section open... for the nutters to hang out...)


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 19, 06 | 12:05 am


THIS MONKEY SAYS




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