Jesus, Life-Guard of Suburbia?

Religious dupedom runs in the E@L family. My mother was frightened by a Mother Superior when she was young and has felt quite unjustifiably inferior ever since... My sister was frightened by a wild-haired leather-clad biker religious nutter (from the "God's Squad" biker group) once when she was having a panic attack (or was she having a panic attack because of the biker?)...

E@L similarly is afflicted by pangs of religious feelings on occasion. He stubs his toe, he cries to the Lord...

But he was unprepared for this...

Walking past the swimming pool in his apartment block, he notices that a sign is missing. The pattern of mold and gunge behind the old sign looks interesting. It looks...


Hamlet: Do you see that Clowd? that's almost in shape like a Camell.
Polonius: By'th' Masse, and it's like a Camell indeed.
Hamlet: Me thinkes it is like a Weazell.
Polonius: It is back'd like a Weazell.
Hamlet: Or like a Whale?
Polonius: Verie like a Whale.


Now a manifestation of this quality doesn't appear adjacent to your doorstep everyday. The obvious winning move error would be to assume that is indeed the countenance of somebody pretty fucking important. It's not every Tom, Dick or Jesus that gets to so inform the chaotic machinations of the universe as to allow molds and filth to miraculously form his face on an obscure apartment block in Singapore.

However, after extensive and lengthy research (note yesterday's datestamp on the photos) E@L has determined that the face is NOT that of a carpenter's son from Nazareth, born about 6BCE, some say in Bethlehem, some say what the fuck was he doing there as there was NO census at that time, and besides... but that of an otherwise unknown plumber from the Carpathian mountains, born in mid 14th century.

In speaking from beyond the grave to E@L via SMS (Spooky Messenger Service), Ithlep, for that is his name, either that or he can't control the Dictionary function on his mobile phone as well, said that was a bit surprised to have a DECIDELY SPOOKY MYSTIC WEIRD imprint of his moniker appear on some rendered concrete in a part of the world he didn't know existed while he was alive.

"We didn't get much schooling about the mysteries of Cathay and the exotic Eastern environs back in my home town... It was pretty much eat, shit, plumb all day and then you die. Which we did with monotonous regularity. Cold? For months the pipes were frozen and we didn't have no freaking copper pipes let alone that glorious indestructible white plastic..."

"Mmm. White plastic is not fucking indestructible dude... But tell the discerning readers of this perma-frost-ground-breaking blog, why do you think your face has appeared, albeit briefly, on this wall (though it now is safely ensconced behind the replaced 'No LifeGuard' sign.) Did God ordain it? Is there some association between you and watery deaths? How DID you die? Was it through drowning? Through some outrageous plumbing incident that is too complicated to invent relate here?" asks E@L, typing furiously on his new Dopod 838 with the lateral slide-out keyboard.

"Well, for a start big Phil, I don't merely THINK it's me on the wall. I know it! Any other option is absurd! I got a glance over your shoulder when you took those photos on your 1.3 Mpx phone- camera (not too bad, not great, but a shitload better than your last one) -- all us dead beings have the gift slash torture of omnipresence did you know? -- and I just fucking freaked out! That drawn and weary look, that considerable facial asymmetry, like it wasn't really meant to be a face at all, just a random accumulation of dirt (the picture I mean, not my face)... Sign of a difficult birth. Needed four midwives with various implements to get me out dude! Had to be me. No-one else is that ugly. Either that or it was just a chance image*, which as I said is absurd. Random. It was either, Fate, Fortune or Nature, one of them that got my visage up there. God? What sort of concept is that?...

"So who'd you say this other guy was, a carpenter? No-one up here in heaven fits those specs. And no, I died of gallstones. Do people still die of that? Do Doctors who buy your fancy ultrasound machines simply not recognize a gall-bladder full of stones when one stares them in the face, but as you're not able to say anything because you work for a company that depends upon them purchasing expensve stuff and so you must not offend by pointing out their limitations and you must just keep a-dancing and a-smiling despite their incompetence???"

"Not at all. Why do you make up such slanderous rubbish," retorts E@L . "I don't know where you got that bullshit story from. All my company's customers are paragons of the diagnostic art. Hey, another question for you over there on the other side. What's been the gossip amongst the ghostly concerning the Catholic Church's recent annulment, for want of a better word, of LIMBO? Did the purging of baby Purgatory cause much trouble with you Dead Souls?"

"Man, did you have to bring that up? It's been more chaotic than the 7th level of the Inferno since The Edge, as we call it, got the Royal Order of the Boot. You think there was wailing and the gnashing of teeth when the Jewish settlements Gaza strip were declared terra nullius? Dude, never in Creation have teeth been so heinously gnashed. Baby teeth at that. Plus the gnashing of gums from the old Prophets, Ezekiel and the like. They rewrote the Divine Dictionary definition to encompass the new standards of tooth/gum-gnashing that went on. Where they gonna go? I mean Limbo by defintion is where go when you've got nowhere else to go, am I right? It's almighty chaos around here...

"Those New Yorker, sorry I meant Gaza Strip Jews had only been there for like, 40 years. Hell, there were kiddies in Limbo for aeons, from when some smartarse [hey, nice website!] had the gall (no stones!) to ask about all those unbaptized babies... Imagine how much junk you accumulate over a coupla hundred years, even if you're a dead baby. You think YOUR old bank statements are piling up? Don't even ask!"

"Wow, that's really bad mate!" says E@L . "Really sorry to hear about those kids. Reminds of when we liberated what was it, Romania? from Caucescou..."

"Yeah, well it's done now. Hey, they're playing my song over at the Choir Invisible, I'm going to join 'em. You be careful in the water unless you want to join 'em as well. I can see you swimming there every day, good for you, but fucked if I can do anything about it if you get in trouble, being incorporeal and all. So, take it easy. Checkya!"

"I'm cool with swimming, I used to be a surfer. Later, late dude."

"Yeah, right... and I used to be alive. Later... or maybe sooner than you expect, ha ha... No, just joshing dude, just pulling your mortal leg..."


Then again, that image vaguely reminded E@L of some other famous LifeGuard or other...

image image


* I have this text at home (aka Nat's place.)


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 02, 06 | 6:45 pm | Profile


Definitely a contender for:
Best Miracle Caught by Ex-Pat Blogger.

Posted by: Tom on Feb 04, 06 | 5:53 am

whoa. seriously whoa. It's probably safer than ever to swim in that pool now but me....I wouldn't be within a mile of that water! white wash please! make that 4 weather-proof coats.

Posted by: gremlin on Feb 07, 06 | 7:08 am

The pool water does have the benefit of the occassional chlorine enema...

Yes, some parts of the place could do with fresh coat... Not too much, that would be sacriligeous.

Posted by: expat@large on Feb 07, 06 | 9:58 am

o yukky! move house man! techni-coloured then.

Posted by: gremlin on Feb 08, 06 | 7:57 am

dont you realize how hard it was to find an apartment as GOOD as this?

Posted by: expat@large on Feb 08, 06 | 7:06 pm


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