Yet another late call for Friday drinks -- Batman Beguines the Begin -- just ONE coffee?

Anyone up for a glass of fine Australian pinot noir*, etc... at Wine Academy (as recommended by Cowboy Caleb and LMD, not to mention me) on Dempsey Rd. Friday night. Say 9pm. Ish.

It may not be the Barflies, but it's a way to get out of the office / study / kitchen / date-with-a-hunk. Come drink with the geeks.

MM is coming, but I'm starting to think he'd turn up at the opening of a fridge...

Everyone else, welcome to join. Record turn out = 4! Can we beat that with less than 24 hours notice?

(*This doesn't mean E@L be buying, it's just a suggestion.)

**************

E@L lashed out today and purchased a REAL(TM) version of Batman Begins (PG rating) and he reckons he's been duped. This is a censored version!

Bad guy No1 (Tom Wilkinson as Falcone) gets into his car and the driver has been killed, but you can't tell, you have to fucking guess, because all of a sudden Batman is bursting through the roof. We are certain in the version we saw on the plane there was at least another shot in between, showing the dead driver.

Holy fucking paternalistic interlopers Batman, they've cut the good bits!

OK, kiddies, (yeah like childen could be bothered reading my deadshit blog) violence is nasty as we know and should only be used in really really really really really really really really really extreme circumstances like when censors interfere with your enjoyment of unnecessary and arbitrary gore. As Bart Simpson asked, how are we supposed to get desensitized if the Gahmen keeps cutting the hole-some bits?

Question is: Can E@L get a refund?

E@L stopped the movie right there. Feeling totally duped. $30 down the HMV tubes. Pissed off royally. He's got the children's (i.e. Singaporean) version!

************

& did E@L tell you what happened today?

Listen...

He is piss-farting around on the MTR trying to find somewhere that might sell decent baking trays other than Takashimaya. Going from here to there, arguing with the staff about why there's no Locality Maps THIS side of the turnstiles! Generally being a grumpy shit and getting his blood pressure up to where there's no danger of another vaso-vagal.

He ended up in Spotlight, & yes G, you're right: they DO sell kitchen stuff! But on the way E@L got totally pissed off by going to Marina Bay (what a dead-end deadend that is!) instead of Marina Centre, then walked all the way back to Suntec, looking for decent kitchen stuff shops. No luck. Fuck. Where are the kitchen goody shops like "Home," etc...?

He decided to try Plaza Singapura instead (it's a holiday, let's check out all the malls!) He had to walk back through the Link-thing to get to City Hall MTR first, and by then was getting puffed out from all this aggro and all this left foot right foot shite, so he stopped at The Coffee Connoisuer for something cool and invigorating.

A frozen coffee of some description, that would be nice, as he listened to Powderfinger (still - I love their ways) and read a nice find - Bartleby & Co - a book about writers who can't muster the willpower to write! Excellent!

Eventually he got the waiter's attention. He was a tall, chinless, acne-spotted specimen, who seemed eager to please, which in E@L's book means that he was guaranteed to disappoint and annoy. E@L took an earplug out and indicated the relevant illustration in the "special drinks" menu - a soothingly high-calorific "Macadamia Nut Frappe". (Mmm. Maybe I AM gay?) He wrote it down and nodded so E@L put back his earplug and continued to read. His body language was pretty obvious. But the waiter was still there, talking apparently. E@L pulled out his earplug.

"What?"

"Do you want whipped cream with that?" The picture in the menu that E@L had pointed to had unambiguously shown a decidedly fluffy drink topped with whipped cream, chocolate syrup and corn flakes (did someone say diet?).

"Yes." (Can you see the ironic look on E@L's face as he diphthongs that answer?)

Did E@L say hold the whipped cream when he ordered it? No. Fuck off. Are you saying E@L be FAT, you cachetic, chinless CUNT?!?! We ignore YOU! With a sullen grunt, E@L put back his earplug and continued to read about Piquemal, the French cyclist who suffered from mood swings and would sometime forget to finish a race...

He was still there. E@L pulled out his earplug. AGAIN.

"WHAT?"

"So, that is just ONE coffee, sir?"

...........

10, 9, 8, 7, 6 ,5, ,4, 3, ,2, 1... FIRE!

...........

"How many people do you see sitting at this table?" E@L waited for him to acknowledge that no-one else was there, but it was futile. He had internalised the Superego of the Trainee Instruction Manual. He had become a Waitering Machine, no longer a person but an order taking robot. Here is a person who, if seated behind a computer terminal and taking orders directly via a conection, would fail the Turing Test. He kept looking E@L in the eye expectantly, waiting for a question to which he had a readymade answer. There was none coming.

"Yes, just bloody-well one coffee at a time! Now could you please go away and get my order!" Puts back earplug.

Waiter short-circuits and goes away, somewhat confused. Why would a patron not be happy to be asked a series of inane, irrelevant and annoying questions? That wasn't covered by the Training Manual!

Eventually the drink comes, wordlessly. The waiter is scared shitless - and so he should be. E@L continues to listen ("And as the memory gathers dust, buried in its crust, are the remains of what we've done and the seeds of what we just begun"), read ("Walser wanted to be a walking zero and what he most desired was to be forgotten") drink his delicious Macadamia Nut Frappe, pay for it, go away.

That wasn't so hard now, was it?

E@L

p.s. The roast lamb and potatoes were SU-fucking-PERB! With gravy just as I dreamed. With a transcendental Wyndham Estate Pinot Noir. Oops, the bottle's empty! How did that happen?

p.p.s. He also bought a hardcover, illustrated edition of the complete Chronicles of Narnia for The Mouse's birthday next week. SShh, don't tell her. When the Mousette grows up and learns English, she can drift into this world of Wardrobes and Lions rather than the sad and tragic one the Government of the Philippines has in store for her, thanks to its complete corruption and utter incompetence. He'll send it to Manila tomorrow.

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Posted by: expat@large on Nov 03, 05 | 5:31 pm | Profile


OTHER MONKEYS SAID



I had no idea They censored incoming movies too...

And Ella and Batman in the headline? That's an odd couple, haha.


Posted by: TheScrewySkeptic on Nov 04, 05 | 4:02 am

THEY totally mashed American Beauty for example. You had no idea why Chris Cooper kills Kevin Spacey as the male kissing scene was cut, to say nothing of the ambiguous alleged "bj" scene...

And you say; "There was a "bj" scene?"

"Begin the Beguine" is a Cole Porter song made famous by clarinetist Artie Shaw in the late 30's (he said, Googling frantically) - There is a terrific story about it here.

No mention of the lyrics though many sites indeed attribute them to Ella Fiztgerald.

The Beguine is a dance, of course. I knew that - I was artistically/poetically referring to the weird dance of art and politics in S'pore.

No I wasn't, it was just a stupid pun.

E@L


Posted by: expat@large on Nov 04, 05 | 10:22 am

Hearing the crap that you go through while dining alone is hilarious. I'm all for busting balls but be careful or someday there may be an extra something something in your drink.


Posted by: Eric on Jun 15, 06 | 11:24 am


THIS MONKEY SAYS




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