Queer Cattle

Wondering why the winner of the recent Most Likely To Remain a Batchelor Award - E@L - doesn't have a steady girlfriend or new wife (after the old previous one up and left)?

a) Sexually incompetent
b) Gay
c) Fat, lazy slob
d) Quite happy to be alone, thank you very much.

The correct answer is of course "C" "D". "A" may come in a close third second, of course. Damn, maybe the correct answer is "All of the Above Except Definitely Not B."


Why is it that a perfectly acceptable man (discounting A, B and C above) would not wish to share his life's energy (and his credit card) with a lovely lady of matching maturity, intelligence and range of interests? To participate in the thrills and spills of a dynamic relationship, taking pleasure in the company of a fellow-traveller and soul-mate, growing old(er) together on life's amazing journey, and getting regular mutually joyful sex to boot. Sometimes up to twice a year month.

Maybe this snippet of a conversation E@L had with someone recently will give you some understanding of the reasoning behind the difficult choice he made several years back to forego a traditional relationship, and take the lesser-travelled path, living alone in Asia far away from his family and friends in a strange foreign continent where, as consolation, there are bar-loads of gorgeous young women who'll give an expert blow-job in a heartbeat, sans conversation, sans complications, sans bikini.

But unfortunately, there is email. E@L can still be contacted by women! Well, email is not so bad, and neither are women generally, but when the two get together... And even then it's the answering of a female's email that can bring bad news for a man. If you just leave it sit there for a few days in your in box, it's going to go away, right? Because you just don't know what is going to happen when you reply, even with what you might consider the most innoccuous, innocent, and perhaps (to your mind) supportive comments.

Someone else recently said to E@L that there is no great mystery to women: they just want to be adored. E@L would agree, and is quite prepared to kneel at the altar of female adoration (so long as she returns the favour straight away and then doesn't rush off to the bathroom to brush her teeth immediately afterwards, gagging and retching) but at some stage (thanks to email, for example) you have to converse with one of them, and then things can rapidly and inexplicably deteriorate. Well as my uncle used to say, "Women are queer cattle..."

But first, let me set this up. This is not the actual email conversation, but it is very close. The topic has been changed to the colour RED. Now, in this female person's life, let's pretend that the color RED has some special significance, and that it has in fact defined her in some ways. Conversations touching on this subject must therefore be handled gently and tactfully... viz:


She: What do you think of the color?

E@L: Great! It's red.

She: How dare you speak to me like that, you heartless bastard! Do you think I don't KNOW that it's RED? I am seething which rage over your condescending attitude! You don't the know smallest part of my life! You are scum! You can't begin to understand what RED and I have been through, how RED has shaped me and changed me. How I ever thought I trust you with such decision is beyond me, I should have known that you'd turn it into a knife to twist in my back... (etc, etc... for pages and pages, she could be still typing for all I know)

E@L: ???


So, if you are not color-blind, you see.

E@L would rather not engage in this type of conversation on a month-to-month basis, which in his experience is usually what happens in a traditional Western male-female relationship. It is painful. It gets nobody anywhere. It gets nobody laid.

It delays the golf game. (Click on the Fosters Lager - Kidnap ad.)



Posted by: expat@large on Oct 30, 05 | 3:41 pm | Profile


About the same as what happens in East-West relationships on a month-to-month. Ask the man who owns one. As a millionaire once said to a friend of mine "if it flies, floats, fucks or has wheels rent it!"

Posted by: dibabear on Nov 04, 05 | 6:28 am

I suspected as much!

Had a friend whose Asian gf hid his passport because she suspected he was flying off for a naughty weekend? With E@L and entourage? Naughty?

Good guess on her part... He found it in her bag. Oh how did that get there?

Posted by: expat@large on Nov 04, 05 | 1:45 pm

Conversations don't faze me.. so far.. I think. But hiding passports?! That's just loony.

Posted by: knobby on Dec 05, 06 | 3:53 pm


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