Pointless Incessant Barking
I had been hoping to keep the whingeing and complaining down to a minimum, because it's not like I've been hit with a genuine real-world shitstorm such as been going on in Myanmar or China for the last few weeks.
Or, on a personal scale, like the multitudinous and uncertain troubles that have befallen Creepy at The Church of Lost Souls of late, or all the other tragedies minor and major that have been upsetting your own lives too, but today...
Look, I've been trying to be more upbeat - on the blog, in person. Trying to look for the silver lining in every hurricane.
OK, but first, Wednesday: when I got home from Egypt, I went to turn on the HiFi and play some music. It wouldn't turn on. No click, no response. It has died. My Denon AD- whatever, almost-top-of--the-line Receiver Surround Sound Amp has died. Again. Sigh. I will not lose my temper, I will not whinge.
I went to the kitchen to get some snacks and leant on a cupboard door. It fell off. It's hanging there still as the fucking incompetent hardwares for handymen stores in Singapore don't stock things like HINGES as that would too hard and too handy. Sigh. I will not lose my temper, I will not whinge, I will not blog about this.
I went to the bank to get a new ATM card as I seem to have left my old one in a drawer for safe-keeping in a Libyan hotel (didn't blog about THAT either). I took my passport wallet down with me as you can't scratch your arse in Singapore without a passport or some form of approved photo ID, let alone order a new bank card, despite the fact they know me intimately as the whingeing expat guy from upstairs whjo actually expects banks to run smoothly... No, sorry sir, you can only do that over the phone (of course!) or at the main branch Card Service Centre... I can't order a new card *in person* at a mere 7-day AllService branch office? No, you can't. Sigh.
I thought about trying to deposit a cheque (some part-time room rental from a HK friend who's using my place as her temp business accom when in Sing - she wants to pay for tax-minimization purposes), but as I don't have my ATM card I can't get the account number from the ATM - my Visa card doesn't connect to my cheque account. The queue was too long to do it at a teller, so I slipped the (uncrossed) cheque into my passport wallet, along with my FIN card, my APEC card and all my Hotel membership cards, slipped the large wallet into my front pocket and went upstairs, listening to Audioslave on the MP3...
In the lift, I got a gurgle in the bowels - I need a dump, urgent! Still not right since that Pizza Hut in Egypt last week.
After doing my business, I went back to the office. Half an hour later I am picking up my eTicket for Sundays flight to the Philippines when I look for my passport wallet...
What The Fuck?
It's not here. I must... must have dropped it in the toilet cubicle when my tousers were around my ankles...
I rush back, 3rd cubicle, but of course it is gone.
A hole falls through my stomach.
Emptiness. Feeling of despair, having fucked up again. I didn't hear it fall, I was listening to "Doesn't Remind Me."
This feeling of green-tinged hollowness reminds me how in the last few months I have fucked things up time and time again. Left my phone in a taxi. Missed my plane in Cairo. Didn't check for changed visa requirements for the Libya trip. Also, I didn't mention it but I screwed up during the live-scanning workshop in Libya - in front of 60 customers, Col Gaddaffi's doctors some of them, I could not find the posterior tibial vein in a patient with a suspected venous thrombosis of the calf, something I could do with one hand jammed up my arse in the old days. [Oh fuck, I fogot about leaving my laptop in Japan back in February! How could I forget that epic of forgetfullness?]
I'm losing it. Losing my memory, my professional skills, my hearing (I only use the iPhone because the speaker is so loud), my awareness of the time, my libido, my joie-de vivre, sensation in my feet (which are STILL fucking me over), and now I've lost my passport and associated travel stuff and a cheque for $160...
So I'll be spending all tomorrow paying the fines and getting a replacement passport at eh Aussie Embassy, and filing the police report and going to MinManPower to replace my FIN card.
I just have this inordinant sense of myself as a loser. Literally. A loser, one who loses things.
Overwhelming sense of being underwhelmed with myself...
And I tried so hard to be nice...
Sorry. I need a fuckng holiday so badly. Even a "staycation" would be good.
Addendum: My only hope is that the person or persons unknown who "found" it pass it in to the building security guard tomorrow morning. It was 5:30 or when I lost it so maybe they were on their way home... We put some LOST posters up in the toilet around 7pm tonight too.
If it does not get handed in tomorrow, I will have to get a new one (du'h obviously) but I just checked online and the Australian High Commission is closed Saturday (these things always happen at close of day on Friday, right?) - plus they say they do not issue replacement Passports in less than 10 days, even if they WERE open.
The serious work implications are that I will not be able to go to the Philippines on Sunday and assist at the the incredibly important deal in Mindanao (two top-of-the-line systems) this week... This demo has been in the process of getting set-up for months: getting me there was a crucial part of the logistics due to my insane travel schedule... Now I am going to let the Philippine team down. Badly. I wonder if I will get the sack for being such a numbskull.
I feel like shit, like absolute shit. I cannot describe how low I feel. After each sigh, and there are big sighs aplenty, I almost fight to not breathe in again, for why bother?
And I haven't eaten.
p.s. I wonder if I secretly lost it on purpose, in some Freudian everydaylife psychopathology thing... So I could just lie there by the pool and do nothing...
p.p.s. I haven't called my sister or my mother or my son tonight as I think that if I talk to someone, with this dry thickened throat, I will burst into tears... Seriously, I am fucked up right now.
OTHER MONKEYS SAID
Welcome to the club.
Dude. You need a manbag. You put stuff in it, and then you take it everywhere. So simple!
BB: get me a Gold Card!
Rambeaux: too metrosexual - only a 70's person would suggest that.
Dagg: Read it? I wrote the freaking stranded at O'Hare book!
Dagg: ...and it sounds like a good book.