Shit Tickets

As E@L has been rather restricted in locomotion due to the continuing post-op infection (not quite necrotising fasciitis, yet) he has not been seen loitering in the hallowed halls of the shopping malls, entering into a Duel with attacking aunties in the corridors of Carrefour, or damaging already damaged toes on the recalcitrant castors of Cold Storage trolleys.

No shopping for E@L essentials. Result? E@L GHQ was out of toilet paper.

Now toilet paper is an issue close to E@L's... heart.

He has written about the magic and mystery of that ubiquitous V-fold in hotels and clubs and wondered about it, he has railed against toilet paper's absence in dubiously hygienic countries, and he has sat and contemplated various other riffs on this essential tissue while straining to emulate Elvis Presley and knock himself off with a porcelain smasher...

E@L had to go to the office today to chase up some emails and book into Hua Hin for his CNY holidays, plus pick up some more gauze swabs and various dressings for his previously mentioned rapidly decomposing feet. On the way out he noticed a convenient Cold Storage and grabbed an awkwardly large and publicly inexcusable pack of dunny rolls.

He quickly limped to the taxi-rank and grabbed the first cab from the effulgence, the veritable plethora, of taxis on offer post price restructuring, putting the indiscreet and offending mammoth bulk pack out of site on the roof-rack.

Twenty minutes later, the usual [apologies, good reader, if you've seen something like this before, I've certainly lived it a thousand times before] taxi conversation on Scotts Rd approaching Newton Circus (a rather hectic roundabout):

Taxi-Moron: Turn right Newton Circle [sic]?
E@L: No. Go straight.
Taxi-Moron: Hokay. Turn right.
E@L: No dude, I said, "Go straight." That means go straight ahead, don't turn!
Taxi-Moron: ... [pause]... Hokay. Turn right.
E@L: I give up. OK, give me a 360° right turn around the fucking ring ya dickhead!

Three minutes later on Evelyn Rd:

Taxi-Moron: Go straight?
E@L: Yes, go straight.
Taxi-Moron: Hokay. Turn right. [into Buckley St]
E@L: [putting a bullet in the chamber] Straight ahead, I said, you muthafucka!
{Cut to exterior view of taxi as it makes a right turn. SFX: muffled explosion. Immediately blood explodes against the inside of the drivers front windshield.}

When E@L arrives at GHQ and goes to hide the toilet-rolls from Izzy (I mean place them in a convenient location in *his* bathroom) , he opens the sub-sink cupboard doors... Holy hell, what's going on? There is already another ginormous stash of shit tickets in the cupboard. Where did they come from? There are now about 32 rolls of toilet paper! Maybe several currys' worth!

Has the few months of Izzy's living here (averaging about 20 mins per day) and E@L being incapacitated the last two weeks, brought her to a new level of housewifey domestication, extended from occasionally doing the dishes (rhetorical jape! -- she's better than me!) and getting some essential groceries to a point where she can actually buy packets of toilet paper that are larger than she is without mentioning it?

Or was it the maid? She didn't mention it either or ask for money.

So, here we are, whoever bought them, with a true shitload of toilet paper in stock.


This reminded me of one the riffs I never got around to blogging about (and that I was going to get to eventually tonight) -- buying toilet paper.

Once E@L was in the supermarket in Australia and the person in the queue in front of him was making a small purchase -- 1 (one) roll of toilet paper. One!

Doesn't that strike you as odd?

Why would you ever only need one roll of toilet paper? Surely you'd buy a cheaper (per unit) large packet. Even if you were going camping or something, you would just take one roll from the bulk economy packet.

Unless you are anticipating that before that single roll is done with there'll be a revolution in the use of the Western style toilet and crap paper will become unnecessary. Wiped (as it were) from the face (as it were) of the earth...

Some brilliant new way to get shit off your arse is just around the corner, is that what you're thinking? Or maybe you don't plan on shitting too much longer, maybe because you've got some rapidly terminal disease, like necrotising fasciitis.

Or maybe that you are in some suicide-bomb pact and are a constipated terrorist!

OMG - the person was probably a terrorist!

E@L is of the unconsidered opinion that the supermarket firms should notify whatever appropriate security forces are monitoring their cash-registers whenever a person only buys a single roll of toilet paper, as they could be planning something really big, something really dangerous.


Or maybe they (or you) just don't give that much of a shit.



Posted by: expat@large on Jan 23, 08 | 10:09 pm | Profile


I heard of this chick once who bumped into her ex while she was buying toilet paper, the day before her birthday. The next day he sent her a roll of it as a present.

Soft cushiony toilet paper's good for the soul. There's nothing like wiping your bum with something that feels like fluffy white clouds on a summer day. Made a promise to myself sometime back to never date/shag a man who buys cheap toilet paper, the kind that's so rough it makes your arse look like wild dogs tore it apart.

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Jan 23, 08 | 11:15 pm

Rabelais in Gargantua and Pantagruel goes on for a while with some immensely funny "wipe-bummatory discourse", and this, Freudian's take note, is where as I child, reading this heavy tome while being potty trained, I developed my toilet paper obsession. He ends(!) up recommending the neck of a goose... We only had Softex or Dawn or something.

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 23, 08 | 11:37 pm

"Now toilet paper is an issue close to E@L's... heart."

Now there's a curious deformity. You should definitely get that checked out.

Posted by: Dick on Jan 24, 08 | 2:09 am

My environmental awareness has lead me to mostly buy the shit ticket rolls produced from recycled material these days, but I noted that if you buy the hernia pack (this is an industry reference to oversize volume packs, NOT a suggestion about having to expand excessive force to rid yourself of the number 2s) the said shit ticket rolls are not as soft and comfy on the curry closure than if you just get a 6 pack of the same brand...

Curious, it seems to me. I guess that is why the price is higher per roll, not only do you get the volume discount, you also get less comfort.

E@L I have a suggestion for the Cabbies. Get Izzy to direct you to the local leather whip maker in Singapore and have them make some bondage gear, essentially a human bridal (horse riding style). Then sit directly behind the driven and when you get into the taxi, slip it over his head and direct him physically from the back seat! Sure it is less subtle than simply being annoyed and mumbling stuff under your breath, but I am sure it would be much more satisfying...

Posted by: sino man on Jan 24, 08 | 7:03 am

Dick: I said "issue" not "tissue".

Sino: there is a price to pay for going green for the brown... And you think I am mumbling these things under my breath? You don't know the new improved E@L. He speaks his mind. He figures it won't offend because if the Taxi-Moron can't understand "Go straight", then he also won't understand "Tonight you die you geographically challenged muthafucka!"

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 24, 08 | 8:59 am

too right, taxis were mildly entertaining when they were cheap. These days I walk & the buses are full of hairy expats wives with their over indulged kids.

Can you hear something? Yes that's right, that noise is the sound of the Singapore economy 'decoupling' itself from the entire known universe and the very fabric of reality itself.

Turn right, go straight, U turn and stop.

Posted by: Milos Sadik on Jan 26, 08 | 4:21 pm

I've finally worked it out - they think I am telling to got to somewhere called "Gore Street"! & that's where they'll end up if my MagnumPI pumps its hollow-nosed lead into their sedentary deathstyles...

Bus? What's that?

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 26, 08 | 5:30 pm


Notify me when someone replies to this post?
Submit the word you see below:

Powered by pMachine