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Nobody Expected Spanish Inquisitors To Be Anything But Shifty on "Torture" Definition

Leaders of the Seville-based Catholic Inquisition Authority (CIA) were hesitant to define some of their more controversial methods for obtaining the confession of alleged heretics as unnecessarily extreme. "To define the toca (or the tortura del agua) as an act of 'torture' is a bit extreme in itself", wrote Grand Inquisitor Torquemada in Spain in an article printed in the St Timothy's Day edition of an Enlightenment based magazine, The Weakly Humanist, in this Year Our Lord, 1496 or thereabouts.

"Admittedly, stuffing the heretic's or witch's mouth with a wet rag and then pouring water over his or her face might seem not as easy as, say, poking them with soft cushions, but it is not like anyone, ahem, not like many people have died during the questioning process," wrote GI Torquemada. "Just think of it as merely another interrogation aid, a way of shortening the whole tedious business. It is not as if they are not getting their rations... of water at least. The fact that we have to go and flagellate ourselves with a copy of Hustler afterwards does not necessarily give it a sexual connotation either. And no-one has ever substituted urine for water in the whole affair. Although that continual tinkle of dripping water can stimulate the bladder muscles you know.

"Also not as tough on the joints as the strappado (dropping from a height with the ankles tied to suspended ropes) or the potro (the rack) or quite as humiliating as my personal favorite, the Christmas tree decoration, with barking dogs. And we certainly don't drench them with cold water and make them stand in front of air-frigidization devices, like they do in secular free-market countries such as El Singapuro. That would be over the top, even for the Catholic Church," he added as he wound the thumb-screws further down on a Jewish convert (ha!) according to a witness at the dictation of the article.

The CIA's methods of questioning have also been brought into question by reports of the transportation of alleged heretics into other countries, such as the Netherlands where the constraints on behaviour are notoriously lax, there to be given "extended" questioning. Some heretics have returned from the Netherlands with confessions signed, but they claim this was done under duress and the effects of multiple small autos-de-fe; a process wherein hemp leaves are used to suffumigate the captive into laughing a lot and getting hungry and not really caring if they sign something incriminating or not, dude.

Catholic Registry of Associated Press (CRAP)


In case you missed my point, a very similar form of "waterboarding" to that done by the CIA was used on victims during the Spanish Inquisition.

Yeah, but is it torture or just an extended form of dental hygiene?



Posted by: expat@large on Jan 14, 08 | 11:33 pm | Profile


You never cease to amuse me, my darling man!

Hope your recovery is going well, and there are plenty of lovely, curvy nurses in sexy nurse uniforms (though we all know that in real life, nurses uniforms are often anything but sexy) to give you sponge baths and stuff.

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Jan 15, 08 | 12:25 am

had to catch up with all your posts, sugar *hugs* hope the recovery is going well, although from this post on waterboarding, i'm a bit concerned ;-)

Posted by: savannah on Jan 15, 08 | 7:11 am

You need to find something or someone to focus your attention on ;-)

And remember "nobody expects the Spanish Inquisition"

Posted by: Indiana on Jan 15, 08 | 8:17 am

VPS: in my dreams yes, reality is a dismal failure

Sav: recovery slowly, the time between painkillers is too long...

Indy: we'll come in again....

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 15, 08 | 10:10 am

On the subject of uniforms on nurses I asked a Chinese friend recently if she was aware of the common fantasy of nurses uniforms? She is a Nurse in Melbourne and was also previously a nurse in China. She replied that the uniforms in Australia are nothing to get excited about and that her previous outfit in China was much better. I asked if that meant more nurses got seduced by or seduced the doctors in China.
The answer was no comment!

So I suggested she has a uniform sent over from home, we live in hope!

Posted by: sino man on Jan 15, 08 | 1:01 pm

Sino: the Ex was(is) a nurse. There was the occasional in-uniform quickie as she off for an afternoon shift. Or am I imagining things?

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 15, 08 | 1:11 pm

Expat , sorry the ex was not at all the type to get on a uniform for any type of entertainment. The nurse is nothing more than a friend as she falls into the 'looking for a man to settle down a breed with' category that I am somewhat allergic to.

Perhaps there will be a nurse in the future though.

Posted by: sino man on Jan 15, 08 | 4:16 pm

I had to re-dress the feet wounds myself today! So indeed a nurse would have been handy. In or out of uniform.

They're tryin to get nurses back to wiping bums in Australia.

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 15, 08 | 4:44 pm

Fantasy or whatever, I think it's sad that nurses' uniforms are now the same as the admin staff, the cleaners, the catering staff, and the female doctors. In the 'old days' the nurses' uniforms were so cute, with their caps and veils and capes ets.. It's so confusing as well, as to who's who!

The Spanish Inquisition - hmmm - you're on that anti-Catholic road again methinks - not falling into the trap this time - but could come up with similar cruelty from other religions, denominations, cultures, tribes, nationalities, rulers, eras etc. etc...

Of course there's always been cruelty, torture, evil, and sadism in this world - horrible stuff! Unfortunately some people get pleasure out of others' pain - it's a sick world sometimes, but there's the good side too!?

Hope your feet are healing and you're able to get around a lot better, and less pain. Watch that Pethidine though - can do strange things...

Take care!

Posted by: Sister on Jan 16, 08 | 8:16 pm

I agree, administrators uniforms are dead non-sexy.

I think someone can safely criticize the Spanish Inquisition (or the CIA) without having to be labelled anti-catholic.

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 17, 08 | 11:56 am

Glad that you have a former german cardinal as a regular contributor

Posted by: sino man on Jan 17, 08 | 2:29 pm

Yes it's good isn't it - keeps everyone on their toes...

Sino evil, Hear no evil, Speak no evil!

Posted by: Sister on Jan 17, 08 | 7:48 pm

Sino: Cardinal Biggles?

Mariah: ...

Posted by: expat@large on Jan 18, 08 | 12:36 am


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