Frailty, Thy Name is Seating Equipment


Hal: Jesus Christ! What the hell's wrong with this chair? What's this shit made out of, anyway?
Restaurant Manager: Uhh... Steel.


Seriously, the world is getting less and less substantial. Have you noticed, or is it just me? Inbuilt obsolescence, inbuilt crud. Second rate materials, taking short cuts in production, going the cheapest option, going for cheap and untrained staff - but it's not just Philips who have been applying the 'economical is profitable' argument, chasing the inverse quality to profit ratio rule, tightening the screws of efficiency until the thread of functionality is stripped, and basically trying to cut and run in perpetuity.

Things fall apart, the centre doesn't hold, all sorts of performance and reliability issues are out there and those things are getting really shoddy in all sorts of places. Like under E@L's arse...

Take chairs for example. Take them, and REPLACE them with something made of sterner stuff.

Prelude 1: E@L, in a certain Japanese restaurant in HFC, sits on the new Swedish-looking chair, feels it slide under his butt on the slippery floor as it conforms to his gravitational constant. Just the legs adjusting, he thinks. They keep adjusting, he notices, adjusting outward like a giraffe bending to feed on grass. He goes lower and lower, disappearing beneath the table as *CRUNCH* the chair bifurcates itself forcing E@L to leap for safety fortunately before anything important gets impaled. OK, this is easy to solve... Leave the restaurant, don't make eye contact, this is a face issue, never come back...

Prelude 2: E@L at a friend's house in OZ. Antiques, retro Aussie music, mud-brick walls. Recaptured, rescued, restored oldie worldie stuff fills the house. E@L's friend, very much the hippy, not so much the carpenter, plies the alcohol. E@L's vintage chair is rickety, wobbly, but solid enough: sort of loose jointed but strong like a boxer. E@L has a few Amarettos and is leaning back, laughing, about to reach the punchline, who remembers what the story was, when BOOM - CRASH - OPERA the great great wall comes tumbling, horns trumpeting. Shivering his timbers. Splat. Holy fuck, can you fix this?

Today: E@L is reading blogs email and writing up reports in his office today. Not leaning back, snoozing in the chair, head against the window. Not at all. Definitely not. Not this time anyway. Something awakens reminds him (of something to be done), and he merely goes to rise when *SCREECH*, like an iceberg popping rivets under the waterline, E@L goes down when he had hoped to go up. The chair pitches to one side with a plop. One of the auld flay rods's come out askew on treadle, it seems. He is listing to port quite severely. Should he go down with this ship, or should he rearrange the deck-chairs before reporting it to the boss? Mmmm.

"O silent one, I need a new chair, this one is crap. Sort of fucking, broken, what?"



Did I mention I was going on a diet? Sigh.



Posted by: expat@large on Jun 20, 07 | 11:55 pm | Profile


Chairs are like taxi drivers to you. Both bring bad experiences.

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Jun 21, 07 | 2:03 am

Dude is going to give you a park bench. I would just go switch chairs with the person in the next cubicle when they nip out for lunch. God helps those who help themselves

Posted by: Hairydonut2 on Jun 21, 07 | 10:17 am

God also wears underpants, t-shirts and carries a handbag.

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Jun 21, 07 | 11:00 am

VPS: don't start me on taxi drivers...

HD2: took one from the board-room instead... We have no board, but should we ever get one, there is room - standing room.

VPS: you know this how?

Posted by: expat@large on Jun 21, 07 | 11:16 am

it isn't you, sugar...

i was gone.

did you miss me?

or are you and dh still talking about me?

Posted by: savannah on Jun 21, 07 | 1:19 pm

I don't talk to him any more. He's gone all sex-obsessed - never seen it happen before, the Internet used to be such a NICE place!

Posted by: expat@large on Jun 21, 07 | 1:35 pm

Nothing wrong with being obsessed with sex.

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Jun 21, 07 | 6:39 pm

Thanks fully I have moved on from that sort of thing. As of 4pm this afternoon I am no longer obsessed with sex. I am saving myself until all those girls in bikinis get into the jacuzzi with me at my birthday party!!

Posted by: expat@large on Jun 21, 07 | 7:02 pm

Am sorely disappointed that I will not be one of those girls.

Excuse me while I sit in the darkest, dustiest, most cobweb-ridden corner of my drafty room and contemplate my tragic fate.

By the way...I would adore a picture of you and Indy in the jacuzzi together!

Posted by: VirginPornStar on Jun 21, 07 | 10:12 pm

right, sure, sure...not obsessed...are you ok? just keep your mobile nearby..that's all i have to say...on your birthdsay, i mean.. *smirk*

Posted by: savannah on Jun 22, 07 | 1:35 am

At a cycling club event two days ago and the speaker told us about the craziest craziest diet ever. Needs to be supplemented with exercise but appears to have solid empirical data backing it up. Not gonna post it here because it could result in unwanted consequences in those ill-informed, but get in touch if you want to know.

Posted by: knobby on Jun 24, 07 | 12:54 am


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