The Last Ever "Does Size Matter" Post

Ok, I am sick of all these thousands of "does penis size matter?" blog posts. It's time to tell the truth. Time to turn this question around. Time to lay the blame where it belongs. Time to face up to the $69,000 question.

Listen lady, if there is a penis-vagina mismatch, don't ask me to do anything about it. Don't send me on some inadequacy, lesser man guilt trip. Look down at your own voluminous crotch, baby, and smell the coffee. ["Don't drink the coffee, there's a fish in the percolator!" Source?]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Conversation during a soixante-neuf;

HE: My, you have a big pussy. My, you have a big pussy.
SHE: Why did you say it twice?
HE: I didn't.


(Explanation for those with sense of humour failure - it was an ECHO)

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Because the fact is, I can't *DO ANYTHING* about my dick. That's it. It gets erect or it doesn't. Them's the options. That what you get. It's all I got, and it's all I can give. (Let's keep dancing?) I'll do my best with the rest: the foreplay, the oral, the gentle stroking and soothing, the impassioned whispers of charged emotion, the long deep looks of lust and longing, the search for the wandering clitoris... all that. If I really like you, I'll even pretend that it means something to me. But when it comes to strokeplay, the old in-out in-out, if the shoe doesn't fit, you'll have to wear it because you're the shoe and I'm the foot (or half-foot as the case may be).

On the other hand, a woman CAN DO SOMETHING about her pussy size. (In some Italian dialects "mano", which means "hand", is slang for "cunt": say "Tue viso sempre una mano" to certain Italians, then you'd better run away.)

Women, you have options. But because these options involve admitting that it's your fault, they're not often taken up. Women are unrealistic.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Conversation during foreplay:

SHE (in ecstatic tones): Put another finger in.
HE: OK.
SHE: Put three fingers in.
HE: OK.
SHE: Put your whole hand in.
HE: Um, OK.
SHE: Put your other hand in.
HE: (incredulously): OK.
SHE: Now, clap!
HE: (struggling): I... I can't!
SHE: Yeah! Tight, aren't I?


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

What can girls do? Here's what.

Option 1: Do Kegel exercises. Your vagina is a loosely elastic sack surrounded by supportive muscles. It's these muscles that tighten around the lower third of your vagina, that make you feel snug. Exercise them well with regular contractions - this is called pelvic floor tightening, like you were stopping your urine flow mid-stream - and eventually your pussy will expand or contract to fit as you so 'desire'. You can't lift weights with your pussy (at least not at the public ten-bowling alley) so use these exercises instead. Yes, they work.

Option 2: Repeat Option 1, with feeling. There are various tools that resemble 'weapons of masturbation'© that can give feedback on how well you are doing your Kegels, and even "intimate" weights and things to really test you out. And, I repeat, they work. Kegels also enhance your own orgasms. ["Who knew? Women have orgasms?" - email from buddy. E@L's response - "Not in my experience!" ('Cause they didn't do their Kegels! is my excuse)]

Option 3: Don't have kids. "Get that for me, love" asks the Catholic housewife in Monty Python's Meaning of Life as she pops out a baby whilst doing the dishes. After having a few kids, your pussy might have stretched beyond its elastic recoil potential, like Dizzy Gillespie's cheeks, and those muscles of the pelvic floor are now loose strands of torn fibres, maybe even ripped from the pelvic bone itself. With all these torn and flaccid muscles, the vagina will simply fall open further than it did when you were young. One of the tests for ruptured pelvic floor muscles is that the Doctor can actually feel the smooth surface on the inside of your pubic bone.

You sneeze and you wet yourself? Don't look at me like it's my fault. You didn't do your Kegels did you?

In extreme cases, your bladder, rectum or the uterus itself can prolapse through the vagina. Gross! Do your Kegel exercises.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Bloke in pub with his young son, is chatting to a mate. Every time the Bloke speaks, he slap his son on the back of the head. The son seems resigned to such a fate.

BLOKE: "Bit a rain'd be nice, eh?" (SLAP!)
MATE: "Yeah's a tad dry."
BLOKE: "Not the worst drought we've though." (SLAP!)
MATE: "Yeah, reckon '82's not one to forget too quick."
BLOKE: "Blood oath, thought his global warming's a scare, whad'ya reckon?" (SLAP!)
MATE: "There mussby something serious if all the ice-packs on Greenland are melting, eh?"
BLOKE: "Too bloody right. There'll be no skiing on Perisher for them bloody yuppies, neither, ha bloody ha." (SLAP!)
MATE (contemplates): "Say, cobber, why ya slapping ya boy all the time? He's quiet enough."
BLOKE: "Mate, lemme tell ya. The missus had a pussy like a velvet glove before this great boof-head of his came bursting through, It was the ruination of my sex-life. Now she got a pussy like an old gumboot!" (SLAP! SLAP! SLAP!)


~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

Option 4: If you MUST have kids, see Option 1 and Option 2. Use one of the bio-feedback perineal stretch pumps. They look like an short inflatable dildo, and are more high-tech than the other optional Kegel equipment. Kegels give you power over the contracting of the muscles and this makes them relatively supple, keeps them young, but hey, there's something the size of a small basketball coming through. Those muscles need to learn how to stretch as well, or else they might rupture.

The combination of contracting and stretching is what health fanatics call exercise. A bloke wouldn't just go out and try to bench press 250lbs without working himself up to it over time would he? He'd rip his biceps to shreds if he did unless he EXERCISES, by stretching and contracting his arm and chest muscles incrementally more over time, gradually building up flexibility and strength. Same for your pussy, ladies.

These dilators are available for sale in Singapore (and I know someone who has a used one...), in fact I know the people who sell them.

Option 5: If you MUST have kids and you didn't do your Kegels or use your dilator, go the elective Caesarian. [I can't believe I'm advocating this!]

You've seen the statue of Britney Spears on all fours, giving birth? You've seen those photos of Britney Spears' snatch as she getting out of the car? (If you haven't, what planet have you been on? Go to WhatWouldTylerDurdenDo?, search for Britney and check out what I say.) Despite the "evidence" of the statue showing her giving a normal vaginal delivery, with the baby crowning; in those other photos, if you look VERY VERY closely, you'll see the pink scar of a Caesarian section where the top of her pubic hair and panty elastic would have been if she had any of either... That's right, when oops, she got pregnant again, she had a C-section. To save her pussy. For Kevin.

What a stupid dumb bitch she is. In general I mean, not for doing this, OK partially for doing this for better sex with that dumb dickhead Kevin Federline. But as a lifestyle option, it works. More and more rich women are having elective C-section, not because they are afraid of the pain (though they are), but because they want to keep their pussies fresh and young. Good on 'em, I say!

(There are bad things about having C-sections, like dying, problems in subsequent pregnancies, etc, though sometimes of course they really are necessary.)

Option 6: Surgery. Laser Vaginal Rejuvenation is available in Singapore. This involves operating on those floppy muscles, not actually the vagina itself. (Half a chapter of Mario Puzo's The Godfather describes this operation - a sub-plot that never made it to the movie unfortunately.) The "Laser" refers to the scar-free, high energy light cutting tools rather than some magical effect of coherent light itself on the vaginal tissues. In some cases, some "redundant" vaginal tissue might be cut out as well. You can also have your labia minora trimmed, while you are under (to prevent those awkward moments when boys with braces... um, let's not go there).

If you don't fancy the idea of people approaching your pussy with a laser beam while you are asleep with your legs up in stirrups, do your Kegel exercises.

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

OK, OK desperately insecure men, or those guys seeking a career in the Porn Industry, can do SOME things about their apparent penis size... [I knew a guy in HK who claimed to have been a "penis double" for some local porn movie!]

Option 1: Surgery. The individual penis has a limitation to its physical dimension; the structures called the corpus cavernosa are the muscles which engorge with blood to create the erection. They can only fill to their maximum elastic potential. Once full, they can't get any bigger. However, about a third of the penis is inside the male pelvis, attached by several ligaments to the undersurface of pubic bone. Simple surgery can release these ligaments and more of the penis will protrude outside the body, making it appear longer. This is what porn-stars like Rocco have had done. A give away to this is the flexible direction of the guy's penis. They can point it anywhere. With a really hard erection, most men cannot redirect their schlong more than few inches because the ligaments act as restraints.

There are also girth-enhacement or knob widening procedures, which are basically fat transplants. (Hence, the expression "to crack a fat")

Option 2: Believe what they say in spam emails. WRONG. Don't be a, um, dickhead. Pumps and creams don't work - see what I said above about the corpus cavernosa.

Option 3: Kegel Exercises: men can do them as well. Not for size though. Not as some pseudo-scientific "I want your money" sites may claim, in order to lenghten the penis, but to help obtain and maintain an erection. Squeezing the pelvic floor stops the venous drainage for a while. Penis engorgement (an erection) occurs when the arterial input is higher than the venous output, so if a guy starts to wilt (because the woman has a pussy like an old boot, or he suddenly remembers that she is an extremely annoying bitch, mostly) these pumping exercises can slow down the detumscence. With the strong arterial pulse in normal healthy men, the veins fill up and kink off, holding the blood in the corporal sinuses. With a really solid erection the penis will throb with the pulse. Doing Kegels at this point is not recommended.

[How do I know all this stuff? a) I get a lot spam and b) before selling my soul to the Industry, and before Viagra, etc, I used to actually do penis ultrasounds for erectile dysfunction, including measuring the penile/brachial blood-pressure ratio. I kid you not. It was a dirty, dirty job.]

~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~

SO, listen. I'm not going under the knife to augment some 30secs of the 2 hour sex-game when you're just as likely to prefer lesbian sex with people who don't even HAVE penises.

Women have more options, and more REALISTIC options at that. So, ladies, stop sitting around at your chardonnay lunches whingeing and joking about the size of your boyfriends' doodles. The answer to satisfying sex, if penis-vagina contact is your, um, narrow definition of this, lies in your own lap. Or just beneath it.

OK, everybody... Squeeeeeeeze and relax. Squeeeeeeeze and relax.

E@L

MORE...


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 11, 07 | 3:36 pm | Profile


OTHER MONKEYS SAID



Kegel exercises are fun! I do them in lectures, during tutorials, or when I just feel like it. In fact I'm doing them right now!
:p



Posted by: VirginPornStar on Mar 11, 07 | 4:45 pm

exVPS - you tease...


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 11, 07 | 7:17 pm

exVPS - and I'll need to get an opinion on whether those Kegels have been working. Can you suggest anyone?


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 11, 07 | 10:52 pm

twin peaks...i adored that show! laura palmer had been found wrapped in plastic...

squeeeeeeze and relax....silly cow that i am...of course, i did exactly that as i read it *w*


Posted by: savannah on Mar 11, 07 | 11:22 pm

... wraaaa-aaa-aapped in plaaa-aa-aastic...

Did you get Lynch's joke about the coffee - "this show is a different kettle of fish"... I am sure you did.

... my novel (achooohurryupandwriteit!) is going to be all about velvet curtains, the world behind that curtain, just soooo different... dark and threatening, gaudy and sexual... If someone writes a review and calls it Lynchian I'll be over the moon! OK stop blogging and start writing...

~~~~~~~~~

Chapter One: It was a starky night in the dorm. Everyone in the orphanage had to sleep naked... (starkers = nekkid)


Shit: I just CAN'T be serious!

~~~~~~~~~

squeeeeeeze and relax... don't stop once you've started, mr savmarshpoppa will be so grateful! (as if we cared what he thinks, do it for yourself!)


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 11, 07 | 11:45 pm

I was present at a delivery once....twice actually. Well 3 times if you include my own, which I barely remember. When the doctor was tidying up he added something called the husband's stitch.


Posted by: Dick on Mar 12, 07 | 12:41 am

"I barely remember": and you only stayed out because Mutti promised to buy you a Tin Drum...

The "husband's stitch" or "husband's knot" used to be done after an episiotomy. It can cause complications and make tearing even more likely next delivery. It's the muscle inside that need the repair. Best, in these post-modern gyncological times, to prepare and not have to have an episiotomy in the first place... If the muscles and vaginal introitus are well exercised and strrrrrrrrrretched, they are less likely to tear or rupture.

Here's a victims opinion: "I was given a "husband's knot," an extra little stitch in the perineum to make me "a little tighter" than before. (Our sex life was impaired for the next eight months due to this absurdity.)"

"Vaginal Repair" used to be the commonest surgery on our Gynecoolgy lists. A buddy used to work (until they fired his arse recently) for a company that made the internal sling devices for prolapse and incontinence that can be put in place with minimally invasive surgery. I have a 48MB Powerpoint on all this if you wish to see more. Just eaten? OK we'll skip it.


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 12, 07 | 1:22 am

I need to learn to "type" gynecoolgy... gyncogoly... gyneloclasigy... women's problems.



Posted by: expat@large on Mar 12, 07 | 1:26 am

I'm sorry you have a small penis.


Posted by: Samantha on Mar 12, 07 | 2:15 am

That's it. No more sex for me. I'm cured.


Posted by: Dick on Mar 12, 07 | 2:17 am

*ouch*

on so many levels, it's almost absurd

play nice, m'darlings


Posted by: savannah on Mar 12, 07 | 3:35 am

Oh, good, you wrote about Kegel's for men too. Doesn't just help with hardness. Also helps prevent premature arrivals.

And for those who don't know how it's done, the next time you're watering the plants, stop mid-flow. Remember how you did that and flex that same muscle when you want to do your Kegel's. (If you can't stop mid-flow, then you really need your Kegel's.)

Dammit. I was supposed to do a post on this.


Posted by: knobby on Mar 12, 07 | 4:05 am

Sam - apology accepted. Enjoy you chardonnay, hope it's not too sharp, wouldn't want you to slice your wrists...

Dick - me neither it would seem

Sav - always

Knobby - again men are in a bind - enjoy ourselves too much or actually get some sensation from the old boot and we start to come too soon... We are not supposed to enjoy this for a long period. Guys who take a real long time when inout-inout-ing are not feeling anything, not enjoying themselves. We have to actually turn off the pleasure thoughts, relax and think about cricket statistics or something...

All my non-orgasms were faked.

Another take on that - everything except the orgasm was faked.


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 12, 07 | 8:44 am

A joke for you all.

LADY: Who you do hope to satisfy with THAT little thing?
MAN: Me!

Why are you not laughing?


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 12, 07 | 8:52 am

i did laugh...just now..and out loud, too!

*whatever will mah neighbors think?*


Posted by: savannah on Mar 12, 07 | 10:24 am

Heh. Yes, well. What I was implying was that if the knob isn't strong enough to stand on its own two ligaments, then you need to do your gymnastics. But if you can hang towels on the thing, then you have the choice to take your time about it and only let the little white men free when you really want to. So one doesn't need cricket stats or philosophy books any more.


Posted by: knobby on Mar 12, 07 | 10:30 am

Knobby, you must give me the physiology on this 'cause it sounds like utter bullshit to me. Or some weirdo Tantric thing - like I said, bullshit.

And no this does not mean "prove it!"

If the pussy is firm and moist and I am horny, I come. Otherwise, seriously, why would I even bother starting -- honey, the X-Files is on in 5 minutes...


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 12, 07 | 4:41 pm

I'm not throwing out names, hun. *grin*

Give me a bottle of something strong, maybe after a few glasses (one glass more like), maybe I'll whisper a name into your ear.


Posted by: VirginPornStar on Mar 12, 07 | 6:51 pm

you should write about sex more often. see how many comments you got?


Posted by: The Ivy on Mar 12, 07 | 10:36 pm

Physiology? Umm. I didn't even take biology at high school. But here's what I Googled up:

The pubococcygeus muscle can help control many aspects of sexuality, and as with any other muscle, exercising it will strengthen and help it develop a richer blood supply to the nerves. By doing so, you'll get sexually excited faster, you'll experience a greater depth of skin sensation and enjoy a prolonged stamina. [...] Exercising this muscle regularly will prolong the duration of lovemaking and make your climax much more intense.


This isn't from a medical source and I dunno about these muscles and things. You know better so you be the judge. What I do know is that this stuff seems to work for me!

Ok, that's it from me on this topic!


Posted by: knobby on Mar 12, 07 | 11:13 pm

was this post about sex? omg, i thought it was about technique!


Posted by: savannah on Mar 13, 07 | 12:44 am

Ivy - I knew there was something I was doing right!

Knobby - don't stop NOW!!!

Sav - I thought it was about why I don't enjoy sex any more.

One of the guys here asked if I played golf on my day off yesterday. "Golf by myself? That's like having sex by myself - pleasant enough but no real challenge..."


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 13, 07 | 1:21 am

was that it? ok, makes sense..it is YOUR blog, sugar....i've been reduced to posting here and posting tests on my site...(tell me you don't mind)


Posted by: savannah on Mar 13, 07 | 1:56 am

Bloody Brilliant.... My Ex had oure two girls both by C Section (not by choice) but obviously I loved it ;)


Posted by: Scorpy on Mar 13, 07 | 4:35 pm

Sav: I don't mind at all.

Scorpy: My case is more the bloke in the pub...


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 13, 07 | 5:18 pm

> Knobby - don't stop NOW!!!

Lol. Why needle the poor bugger who was only trying to be informative?


Posted by: knobby on Mar 13, 07 | 7:09 pm

It only took me a fucking year, but after realising I had to register to comment, I was vehemently opposed to it.

Upon the urging of my belusted Indy, however, I decided to register, simply to comment on this fricking post.

As someone who works in the medical field (that would be ME, not anyone else) let me tell you a little something about vaginas and canals.

See, I have one.

The vagina is a muscle. You can make the labia all nice and pretty, and even have the doctor put a stitch in after giving birth. That means diddly-shit.

Again. Muscle. The only thing that will tighten or loosen the vaginal canal is kegals.

As someone who is a mother, and pushed a 9lb 2oz baby out of my loins, I was rather concerned after giving birth to a my mini-toddler that my cooter would be stretched. I dedicated myself to daily kegals, and at my six-week appointment, my gyno stuck his fingers up my cooter, asked me to squeeze, and quickly commented that my cooter was tighter than before.


Furthermore, the only time a man ever complains about women having loose pussies is when he has a tiny dick himself.


Posted by: eileendover on Mar 14, 07 | 7:16 am

- "the only time a man ever complains about women having loose pussies is when he has a tiny dick himself."

Eileen: everything you said before that patently false cliche has argued against this comment and reinforced my point that Kegels are what makes the difference!

And while not an owner, but a frequent user, I am merely offering a different perspective for you...

Thanks for registering...!


However, a point of anatomical opinion.. LOTS of people work in the medical field, and I am one of them - and I work in the underpants region quite a lot as well - and I must say that it is fairly accepted that the vagina is a muscle the way the cheeks are muscle. Kegels do not actually help the vaginal 'muscle' - the way pursing your lips (on your face) does not help you chew food. Kegels work primarily on the puborectalis part of levator ani muscle which surrounds the vagina and forms the uro-genital diaphragm. These muscles are what Kegels train to be more flexible. As does the internal dilator.


Also as I said, that is why LVR is an operation on the urogenital diaphragm, not on the vagina per se.


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 14, 07 | 9:08 am

Eileen: everything you said before that patently false cliche has argued against this comment and reinforced my point that Kegels are what makes the difference!

And that just leads me to assume, you are the owner of a small dick.

Thanks for letting me know now, instead of trying to hook up and find later.

XOXO
E


Posted by: eileendover on Mar 14, 07 | 9:19 am

I fail to see how you requoting my quote of your own comment grants you that logical step... but I don't really care.

Because big, average or small, there's nothing I can do about it, so I move on without any feeling of guilt or inadequacy... because I know it's up to the woman to lift her... game...

If kegels are done, the battle (of the sexes) is won! And everybody 'comes' out a winner!


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 14, 07 | 9:39 am

Run, expat you reckless bugger, run! Save yourself!


Posted by: knobby on Mar 14, 07 | 9:44 am

What incoming missile? Where??

eeeeeeeee **KAABLLOOOIEE!**


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 14, 07 | 11:59 am

but this is the last ever post about does size matter, right?

wondering if there's a blogthings quiz about this topic?


Posted by: savannah on Mar 14, 07 | 12:50 pm

I don't know whether to laugh or cry at this post...but the gist is if we all had more sex then the world would be a better place. ~grin~

Or thats my take.


Posted by: Indiana on Mar 14, 07 | 3:53 pm

Sex can be confusing can't it, Indy, particularly for people like yourself with limited experience.

Laugh, cry; push, pull; in, out; under, over; slower, faster; left, right; stop, start; front, back; up here, down there; yes, no; wet, dry; feather, chicken; squeeze, relax; and the cruncher: who's turn is to to wear the sheep costume, who's turn to be Bo-Peep?

(Or alternatively, who ties whom up?)?

And, well if *I* had more better sex, *my* world would be a more better place... I can't speak for others...

So long as it's not gumboot sex, or sex by numbers.

(Yes, my aim here is to offend everyone so COMPLETELY that this will be my LAST POST EVER. Oops, SECOND last post ever!)

(p.s. you think I went tad overboard with the initial aggro?)


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 14, 07 | 4:15 pm

I did my Kegels today! During my Mandarin lecture! Squeeze relax squeeze relax. It was very nice.

Size matters for me, but only to a certain extent (about 5.5-6 inches). Width is also important but so is skill. There is no point in having Godzilla hanging from your crotch if you fuck like a dead cow. And there is no point in having an eight inch dick if it's thin like a pencil. That said, I don't really want to fuck a crayon either.


Posted by: VirginPornStar on Mar 14, 07 | 5:59 pm

Me neither. Crayons, too waxy.

I once had a patient who put several (empty) ink tubes from Biros up his urethra though. That was a *good* day.


Posted by: expat@large on Mar 14, 07 | 7:22 pm

is it over YET?????

(back to blogthings quizzes)


Posted by: savannah on Mar 15, 07 | 5:06 am

Keep things nice my friend... (Phil)

A bit of decorum please?

And you forgot to mention 'LOVE' and 'COMMUNICATION' and 'SENSITIVITY' and 'RESPECT' and 'COMMITMENT' etc. etc. - those vital essentials to a truly fulfilling sex-life! (not easy to obtain I admit) and I agree that when you're single and lonely and a bit older, the Janis Joplin song from the 70s: "Get it While You Can" can ring true sometimes. But I didn't say that!

But we know the IDEAL is a committed, loving relationship!? - a goal worth working toward.


Posted by: Sister on Mar 17, 07 | 9:59 pm


THIS MONKEY SAYS




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