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One Of These Days, Alice, ONE OF THESE DAYS!



Dateline Singapore; Mon 29th Jan 2007: Cabin crew struggled to defuse an ugly situation on the 18hr Singapore Air flight SQ21 from New York on Saturday/Sunday/Monday. Business class passenger Mr E.@. Large had to be restrained by cabin crew after another passenger complained about his unruly behaviour during the flight.

Prior to the disturbance Mr Large had been noted by Senior Steward Mr Lim Prist to have avoided all the meals except for the duck congee - "It's delicious, I told him darlings," claimed Mr Lim - and otherwise only partaken of liquid refreshments during the extended flight. "He had a second serving of our exquisite cocktail, the SilverKris Sling, it's one of my favourites too, just after take-off. Maybe that's what stimulated the fracas, honey, you never now with these tough macho men! Can't hold their licker, darling. That's liquor with a 'Q' of course."

"It IS a very tedious journey," continued Senior Steward Lim, who added that tempers might fray, like split ends, during the course of the extended flight. He said that keeping his own hair erect for whole trip was quite a challenge, for example.

It was well into the middle hours of the flight and most passengers were sleeping in their really comfortable beds that go ALL THE WAY FLAT, unlike the chronic spinal injury and acute DVT inducing torture devices in cattle class, when Mr Large lashed out at his immediate neighbour (who wishes to remain anonymous), striking him forcefully on the mouth.

What caused this sudden explosion of violence was not immediately apparent. Had Mr Large been offended by something his neighbour had said? Or was it merely the way he looked? Was his being of Asian appearance enough to trigger a post-colonial outburst of racial non-integration in the overweight, over-burdened white-man?

"He certainly integrated his fist with my jaw," the anonymous passenger allegedly implied. "Pow, right in the kisser!" The chin-struck passenger allegedly sat up immediately rubbing his mouth and was looking decidedly nonplussed by the alleged physical contact when cabin attendants answered his call for help.

Mr Large was still allegedly struggling with inner demons which only the minds of other vicious ang-mohs, with similarly repressed racial grievances, parasites on our fertile lands, could possibly understand, and was slowly awoken to the facts of his un-suppressed aggression by the moans of the passenger next door. Mr Large found his left hand immediately adjacent to his neighbour's chin. Allegedly.

"Wha.. wha... sorry! Oh I am so sorry" were allegedly Mr Large's first utterances post the incident as he realized what must have occurred. "I was asleep. Dream. You OK? Oh I'm so sorry!"

Fortunately for this story, the headphones on Singapore Air flights are equipped with Government sanctioned cerebral-scanners which record the brain-wave patterns of all passengers travelling to and from the Lyin' City. This sophisticated technology was picked up quite cheaply on the 4th floor of Sim Lim Square by astute bargain hunters from the Government's Ministry of Lawful Truth Extraction (MoLTE, formerly the Ministry of Torture) who claimed that ones the Workers Party say they can get in Panthip Plaza, Bangkok, are vastly inferior models.

Mr Large's captured brain-wave patterns were analysed and, while most of the resulting footage has been reserved by the Christmas Party Video Division of the MoLTE, certain snippets purported to reveal how the incident unfolded were released to the media by junior MoLTE Scientist Mr Alf Abetta, then sent on to friends via MMS and 3G services and also posted on Youtube and even linked to by Tomorrow.sg (though no-one but other Singaporeans cared) and discussed at (minor)length on SammyBoy's forum.


The scene fades in, a dull gray sky, the impression that it is very cold -- A ski race, where the woman in front is wearing a full-length fox-fur coat. Person coming second, a large American man, hardly fit enough to win such a race, clutches a telephone pole for support and grabs at the coat to impede her progress... The coat stretches as she continues forward, he tugs at her forcefully, however she breaks free divesting herself, one arm at a time, of the coat and she races ahead and skates to the finish line, naked, superb, triumphant, a winner. The crowd cheers, she raises her hands in victory and her breasts are magnificent, nipples hard and dark in the cold air. (The detail of this dream is amazing. You can even make out the little hair follicles, like pimples, that circle her areolae.) Angry, the fat man tries to fling the coat, fling it, he can't move, he tries again to fling it, fling it, tries to fling it... and suddenly he is free to swing and the coats flies away...


And Mr Large allegedly wakes up having allegedly slogged his neighbour in the puss.

Analysts of the brain-wave images say it was only his seatbelt that had restrained Mr Large from jumping up and thrusting his rampant priapic cock down the neighbour's throat in the heighth of the passions stired up during this coitally interrupted nocturnal mission... although neither of them (the analysts) admit to any gay impulses.

"I would have been most jealous, I mean upset, if *that* had happened," said Senior Steward Lim Prist, who does. Admit to gay impulses, that is.

Once the physicality of the moment had detumesced, stewards attended to the only slightly injured passenger. "It was the surprise more than the force," said the victim of the outrage. "He doesn't have much power in his punch actually. When I was in the NS, I was a champion boxer you know. I nearly failed my most recent IPPT, but I am still pretty strong in the biceps department, lah," he continued. He flexed his arms in the direction of Steward Lim. "Feel that! Strong, neh? Say, what you do for dinner? Tonight, can?"

Meanwhile Mr Large, who claimed that he would much rather have sex with or even be fellated by the very cute, elfin-bodied stewardess who leant over him - tight silk patterned uniform sliding smoothly over her slender hips and mouth-wateringly PLA* - to attend to his neighbour, said he was innocent of any premeditated ill-will or any fore-knowledge or any indeed prior intent of his actions towards the allegedly anonymous gent on his right.

However, when Mr Large went to the toilets for a wank piss at any time during the long long remainder of the long long flight ("Fuck, will this flight never end?" everyone on board allegedly asked), the stewards, and even the really cute stewardess, all made a slight jump and went into mock boxing poses. It was all very funny to them.

Not so the outcome to him.

Mr Large was detained at the Changi Airport, Gate 56, under an obscure clause of an obscure Singapore law hitherto only used for stoned members of northern England rock-bands, in which punching someone on a plane carries the mandatory death penalty. The circumstantial (and alleged) fact that he was asleep does not disqualify him from this grave and gravitational outcome and the judge's hands (and feet, strangely) will be tied during sentencing. To add financial insult to his physical injury, even though he had no prior knowledge of the event, his health insurance company refuses to cover the costs of his pauper's burial in an unmarked grave in the vast empty halls of the Changi Budget Terminal. Australian Consulate Officials, when informed of their compatriot's impending cervical dangling, asked if there were any higher resolution copies of Mr Large's cerebral video.

"So perish all dreamers," said Ms K. Bhavani, a Government spooks-person for anything controversial and champion mud-wrestler.


* pert little arse

(Shit, is there any minority group I HAVEN'T offended in this post?)


Posted by: expat@large on Feb 02, 07 | 1:58 pm | Profile


You have too much time on your hands, though I did like the description of the Singapore Girl. ~grin~

Posted by: Indiana on Feb 02, 07 | 6:01 pm

It's all about sex with you, it's been brought to my attention...

Posted by: expat@large on Feb 02, 07 | 7:25 pm

*not offended*


BUT, strange as it may seem, yours is the third ref to jackie gleason and the moonlighters in as many days.

~i go write now~

Posted by: savannah on Feb 02, 07 | 8:45 pm

This is funny! So shall we send you a care package at Changi Prison?

Posted by: Skippy-san on Feb 03, 07 | 11:04 am

I likes your brog. It implove my Ingrees.

("Priapic"? "Detumesce"?)

Posted by: knobby on Feb 03, 07 | 11:01 pm


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